Hi Friends,
Welcome back. It’s been a long time. I shouldn’t have left you, without a dope blog to step to, step to, step to . Anyway, we’ve established that I am incapable of maintaining any sort of a realistic deadline. It’s horrible, I know. You people depend on me for so, so many things. Ok, maybe not.
As you may have noticed, I’ve changed the name of blog. I shortened the title, and changed the overall look to make things simpler to read. Additionally, I’ve included a playlist feature that allows me to share music that I’m currently enjoying with all of you. Good, good times.
So, now that we’ve taken care of that it of housekeeping, we can move onto what you all came here for: a new bloggeration!!!
And…I’ve got nothing.
My muse has deserted me. The wellspring of creativity has dried up. I wanted to paint you a picture of my bleak—bordering upon Swiftian—world view but was unable to find the words. And once again, I’ve let you down.
Or have I ?
True, I may not unable to find one single topic that I am able string together 200 to 3,000 words about this moment, but I can find several shorter topics to wax philosophical about. I shall call this segment “Random Thoughts” and it will be just that.
Here’s how it works: I’ve got a head full of random thoughts that I am going to share with you, in no certain order. These thoughts can be about anything that crosses my nasty mind. I warn you, my drunken hobo ramblings might not make sense to you , but that’s what makes America great.
So without further ado:
Random Thought: I just moved into a new townhome. We’re renting. It’s awesome. However, I suspect that my new Oakhurst Mansion may be haunted. Or, I have really noisy beighbors who like to break into my house late at night with bedsheets stereotypically draped over their bodies to scare me. Either way.
Random Thought: If you only buy / download one album this year, please consider making that album “High Violet” by The National. If you only illegally pirate one album this year, you’re a thief and a scumbag-and the drummer from Metallica hates you.
Random Thought: I have a holiday that I began observing in Florida. It’s called Hanksgiving, but it always takes place on Thanksgiving. All you have to do to observe this holiday is to watch a crapload of Tom Hanks movies every year on Thanksgiving day.
The beauty of Hanksgiving is that it can be-and honestly, should be-celebrated in conjunction with Thanksgiving, so it’s kind of a win-win situation. Think about it, you get turkey, cranberries, stuffing, mashed taters, a nearly unrivaled body of cinematic work, and clever wordplay—all rolled into one neat little package.
Random Thought: I’m currently reading a really good comic by Mark Waid called “Irredeemable.” The premise of the series is essentially: What if Superman was a d*ck?
It’s all about this superhero named the Plutonian who snaps one day, without explanation, and goes on a murderous rampage. All of his superhero friends are left to defeat, but they don’t know how to do so because he’s so powerful. If’s awesome. You should read it.
Random Thought: Kanye West is a horrible person.
Random Thought: If science ever figures out a way to genetically engineer a dinosaur—Jurassic Park style—I hope that they can also splice some vocal chords into that bad boy so the dinosaur can talk. Should this abomination of science ever come to fruition, I hope that they’ll name it the Thesaurus, because it will be a dinosaur that knows words.
Random Thought: A pig that is also a dracula is colloquially known as a “Hampire.” That joke never gets old.
Random Thought: Does anybody remember Surge? Coca-Cola’s answer to Mountain Dew? That stuff was delicious. Supposedly testicle shrinking, but delicious nonetheless.
Random Thought: Remember when Jay-Z used to refer to himself as H.O.V.A.? Do you think that’s because he was trying to be clever and refer to himself Jay-H.O.V.A., thereby subtly implying that his rhymes were so good that they bordered on divinity?
Random Thought: Zombieland was 73 percent better than I thought it was going to be.
Random Thought: “What a Fool Believes” is the best Doobie Brother’s jam of all times.
Random Thought: You may, in fact, be Spider-Man and not realize it. Think about it, have you ever been in the same place at the same time as Spider-man? I didn’t think so.
Random Thought: As many of you know, I’m in the process of writing my memoirs. So far, the manuscript is 3,478-and-three-quarters pages long, spanning across 6 volumes. Volume one is entitled 29 Years of Hustlin’, Most of Them “Hustle-Free” or: Things you should never do on a dare. It was ghost written by Gore Vidal , and it is mostly a work of blatant fiction. In fact, most of the first two chapters is a word-for-word retelling of the Gordon Lightfoot classic “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.”
Random Thought: I want a time machine.
Random Thought: Charlie Daniels' The Devil Went Down to Georgia is, arguably, the ultimate achievement in the art of bluegrass music. That said, am I the only one that finds it ironic that the band that the devil called up from the fiery pits played old school funk? Am I ?
Random Thought: I’ll probably never have a song that is a hit on the music charts.
Random Thought: I want a present
Random Thought: No really, I want a present
Random Thought: Then way I see it, there is only three practical uses for the social networking site known as Foursquare: vandalism, stalking and petty thievery. Let’s face it, no one needs to know when you check in somewhere unless they intend to:
• Rob your home while you’re not there
• Follow you wherever it is you’re going, and then kidnapping you when you get there
• Toilet Paper your car while you’re “checked in” to wherever it is you’re going.
Random Thought: The holidays are almost upon us, and we all know what that means: Holiday Specials. I love holiday specials, but they do some to fall into one of the following themes:
• Crotchety miser learns the true meaning of the holidays and is forever changed
• An elf / reindeer / Cyclops / other fictional creature is an outcast because he / she / it is different, said creature runs aways until Santa realizes that only they save Christmas
• A young boy goes on an epic quest to find the true meaning of Christmas, or a Red Rider BB Gun. Whichever comes first.
Since these have all been done, I want to see a new Christmas special, about a policeman who is beaten nearly to death in the line of duty but is brought back to life as a cyborg and has all sorts of crazy, ultra violet adventures. What’s that? That’s the plot of Robocop? My bad…
Random Thought: There’s only one true test of strength: bench pressing a Buick Regal. Can you bench press a Buick Regal? If you can, you’re strong. If you can’t, you’re weak.
Random Thought: There’s a big difference between the words “could” and “should.”
Random Thought: A list of words I believe to be criminally underused: Hence, Lustry, Sheen, Flaxen, Flotsam, Glom, Hasten, Delicious , Smarm, Asunder, Daring, Xylophone, Canny, Apt.
Random Thought: DMX was not a good rapper. However, he showed an incredible aptitude for stating the obvious when titling his albums. It’s Dark and Hell is Hot? D’uh…
And that’s all folks. I wish I had more random thoughts with which to blow your nasty minds. Alas, I do not. Well, until next time:
Ya’ll stay classy… wherever ya’ll is…
Blakely A-dam Sumner
