Hi friends,
As I said last week, I’ve been out of the bloggin’ game for quite some time now. Some would say too long. Others, not long enough. So I thought it best to spend a few minutes letting you get reacquainted with me.
Those of you who don’t know me, that’s… probably for the best. I’m not a good person, and I think I’m better than most people I know.
This is not something I widely broadcast. I would never tweet this, hire a skywriter to plaster this fact across the skies of your hometown, or pay to have it put on the jumbotron at a concert, sporting event or your local Farmer’s Market.
But rest assured it’s the truth.
Should you ever have the misfortune of meeting me in the street or the arena or gladiatorial combat, know that I’m judging you—constantly judging you with my cold, dead eyes. And the things I’m thinking are horrible. So, so horrible.
Mind you, I didn’t set out with the intent of judging you. But still, that’s what always happens.
Your clothing. Your personal aesthetic. Your belief system. Your taste in music. Every aspect of you that I come across is being judged. It’s just something that happens. And it isn’t as if I’m actually better person than you in any way. No.
I’m not a smart man. I’m not a good man. And by no means am I a fair man.
This smug moral superiority comes with a price tag. A hefty price tag indeed. It’s also given me a crippling paranoia that rivals that of Howard Hughes. And I’m lonely. So lonely. Anytime I leave my house, I spend the majority of my time convinced that I’m being judged by those around me, as I’m judging them. This prospect horrifies me, and has made me old well before my time.
Should we ever engage in conversation, rest assured that at some point I will accuse you—loudly—of judging me.
Why? Because there won’t have been a single moment of our conversation when I wasn’t judging you.
To add another layer, I am also an enormous proponent for the Old Testament “eye-for-an-eye” brand of justice that hasn’t been seen since…well… the Old Testament. If the right eye offends thee, by all means, pluck that sucker out. Doing so gives you the satisfaction of knowing that you showed that eye who’s boss, and you’ll most likely get to wear a pretty sweet eye patch—which the chicks will dig. Especially if the eye patch is paired with the appropriate facial hair.
And—as the above paragraph illustrates—I ramble. Oh, how I do ramble.
I firmly believe that life is never about the destination, but the journey. I extend this philosophy beyond my personal life and into my (admittedly subpar) writing skills. Why should I say anything in six words that I could say in twelve? Why watch the theatrical cut of The Two Towers when you can watch the glorious four hour extended director’s cut? Why run when you can walk? That’s why Texas is the best state, because it’s huge!
Whoever said that brevity is the soul of wit was a liar. Sidebar: Apparently it was Billy Shakespeare who said that. The hack.
No friends. Anything worth doing should take time. That’s why the Godfather was three hours long. And I think we can all agree that I am a man who like to do things right.
So, why am I telling you all this? Why are you reading this? Why aren’t you out doing something awesome?
Think about it: It took you five minutes or so to read this, right? That means you’re five minutes closer to death’s sweet embrace than you were when you stumbled across this abomination, and what do you have to show for your troubles?
Q: By reading this, did you learn something you didn’t know before?
A: No.
Q: By reading this, have you decided that I am the sort of person whose acquaintance you’d like to make?
A: Probably not.
Q: Have you been entertained?
A: I believe we can all safely admit—without guilt or hesitation—that the answer is no.
So why am I putting us both through this debacle?
Because I don’t think the world knows as much about me as it should. My hopes, my dreams, my hobbies, my internet searching habits and whatnot.
So, in no certain order, here’s a few of the things in my petty little life that I have a passion around:
· Musics
· Comic Books
· Literature (fine and otherwise)
· Movies
· Doctor Who
· Male Modeling
· Bears
· Big Bears
· Thangs
· Doin’ Thangs
· Big bears doing thangs
· Big bears doing big thangs
· Words, beautiful words
· Hugs
· Mean mugs
· Shoulder shrugs
Mind you, I suspect that my contributions won’t be good, funny, or insightful, and may never happen with on any kind of set schedule. However, it will be self deprecating, and it will be painful. So, if you’re into that sort of thing. Welcome aboard. Welcome aboard, everyone.
Blakely A-dam Sumner
