Things I Hate

Before you read any further, I want you to know that this isn't going to be sort of rant that will make me universally hated. It will not be a tirade against any cultural group or minority. I love all people groups, and accept your right to do whatever you want to do with yourself (except for those kids who play Magic: The Gathering. I find you to be a sad and pathetic lot). No, this is meant to be rant against things that happen in popular culture and society that really tick me off.

In no certain order, here they are:

1.) People who review a band's album and use the word "precious" to describe any part of said album. For starters, what does that even mean? Are you implying that the artist is trying too hard? Or that it's too syrupy? Or that it's not earnest enough? Secondly: If I don't know what you meant by the word, that's sloppy writing.

2.) Any band that covers "Feeling Good"

I get it. It's a good song. You feel good. We're all about empowerment. We're slowly starting

to find our way in America again. Note: I realize that last part is entirely upen for debate,

depending on your political stance, socioeconomic status, and personal world view, but

please... take this journey with me. Even though we're back on track... still lets find a new

song to express this sentiment. I also want everyone to know that I also feel the same exact

way about anyone who covers Etta James' "At Last".

3.) People that hate Ewoks. If you don't like Ewoks, you have no soul.

4.) Anyone who finishes a pot of coffee in an office scenario, and doesn't have the

common courtesy to put a fresh cup on. If you can't be bothered to make a fresh cuppa for

those who come behind you, then you truly are a godless philistine who deserves everything

they get in life.

5.) National Lampoon's Vacation movies. They aren't funny.

6.) People who thank policeman for giving them a ticket. Yes... they're keeping you safe(r).

But still... did they really do you a favor?

7.) The Nintendo Power Glove

The awesomeness of that scene and Fred Savage's acting prowess not withstanding, there really

was nothing to love about the power glove. Yes, I suppose that this useless video game

peripheral was a precursor to the Wii... but it didn't work. Yes, it make you look cool, but it didn't

improve your video game prowess.

8.) Paul Harvey's (may he R.I.P.) the Rest of the Story. I appreciate that you're trying to

educate me Paul except for the fact that I. Don't. Care!

9.) Double Entendres. I only respect triple entendres.

10.) The fact that The Darkness only had one hit. I will always believe in a thing called love.

11.) Twitter. It doesn't take 140 characters to say "I hate you".

There you have it folks. Eleven things that I just can't abide.

Ya'll stay classy... Wherever ya'll is...

Blakely A-dam Sumner

What's wrong with America

No friends, you haven't accidently found your self at Glenn Beck's blog (although that would be the second greatest trick the devil ever played, after convincing the world that he didn't exist). And while you may not be reading the gospel according to Glenn right now, I will tell you that there is something wrong with America, and today I learned what that thing is.

As I mentioned earlier in the week: I've lived. I like to party. Yes friends, I've been down to the paradise city where the grass is green, and the girls are pretty. But now I'm getting older, and the party's over for me. I'm not sad about this, quite the contrary in fact. I'm quite content to pass the torch along to a new group of kids who haven't figured out yet that they (in fact) not immortal. You can have fun this weekend out on the lake, and I'll have fun listening to my Frank Zappa albums.

Sidebar: I actually hate Frank Zappa, his music, and his oddly named children (yes, I'm reffering to you Dweezil, Moon, and Ahmet), but I didn't think it would sound as cool if I had said "and I'll have fun listening to my Hall & Oates cassette tapes.

That being said, since I've come through my partying days and lived to tell the tale, it goes without saying that I have to find some outlet to spend my free time. I could take up macrame, lawn darts, or translating the complete works of 1990s alt rock sensation Bush into italian... but I won't.

Why? Because I'm both a.) lazy and b.) an armchair intellectual. That being said, what else is there for a boy to do on a Friday afternoon that won't end with said boy finding himself in the drunk tank down at the pokey? The answer: a used bookstore.

I love used bookstores. I love the smell of used books. I love the fact that the books are almost never in any kind of rational order. I love the fact that the people who own/work at a used book store often look like they could've been cast as one of the nerd's in Gidget, if the nerd's in Gidget had full sleeve tattoo's and pot bellies.

I wish my yard was this emo... so it would cut itself.

I love the fact that a good used book store is one of the only places where you can hear someone refer to someone or something as a fascist pig without any trace of irony. I love the fact that there usually only two kinds of books in a used book store: high brow works of contemporary literature by authors you've most likely never heard of, and bodice ripping romances that border upon the pornographic. They're just good places, filled with good people.

And the one I visited this afternoon was a doozie. Not only did it have books, but it had used DVDs, blu rays, music, vinyl, and comics (or graphic novels, if you want to be a jerk about it). I walked around in slack jawed amazement for at least 45 minutes, until I found a copy of Wonderboys (a book that I seem to be incapable of finding anywhere for some reason) and a book about the days just before the government issued the Comics Code Authority.

Note: The comics code authority was a governmentally designed system meant to regulate what was and was not "appropriate" for a child to see in comics. Here's a quick sample: Vampires were bad, but it was ok for a super hero to magically transform a criminal into a candle that could still talk and feel, and then set that candle on fire. The 1950s was a weird time.

This rant brings me back to my original point: what's wrong with America. There just aren't enough places like this left. Today, people are too impatient to actually search for anything, especially when it's quicker and easier to find whatever book you're looking for by heading down to the local Barnes & Noble, or going to the internet. Because the used book store has one thing that big market chain store will never have (and no, I'm not talking about a book about the history if the erotic bakery... but they had that too): personality.

So in conclusion, go do something different this weekend. Go into a store you've never been in. Buy a book by an author you've never heard of. Rent a movie that isn't the Blindside (sidebar: I want that two hours of my life back!!!). In essence: whatever you do... just do you.

Ya'll stay classy... wherever ya'll is....

Blakely A-dam Sumner

How I use Facebook

So... if you're reading this, you most likely came here because I posted I link on my Facebook page. You, being a lover of the written word (and these finely crafted ideas that I have that fell from heaven and landed in my brain) decided that you did in fact want to know my feelings on this topic, and clicked the link. And upon reading the link, you said to yourself "Self... this man is a genius... possibly the smartest man alive. I've always felt that way about ____, but never knew how to convert those emotions to words." I understand, and I appreciate the kind words you leave about the crap I talk about.

Of course, there is the possibility that you arrived here quite by accident. You know nothing of my work, and don't much care what I have to say about any topic. If you're here by accident, I once again feel that I must apologize. You've wasted precious minutes of your life that you'll never get back reading what is (I'm certain) nonsense. If you're here by mistake, I'll offer you some free pieces of advice that will hopefully make up for my wasting your time:

1. Download an album by Coconut Records. Yes, it's a stupid name for a band. But if you can listen to "West Coast" and tell me that it isn't one of the catchiest/saddest songs you've heard lately... well I'll tell you that you have no soul.
2. Never get involved in a land war in Asia. This one's self explanatory really.
3. Don't whiz on the electric fence. That one's for the gentlemen.
4. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket.

Hopefully these tidbits of knowledge will ease your troubled soul, and titillate you enough to continue reading. If not, I'm sorry I've wasted even more of your life. For now though, we have to get back to the point, which I have yet again veered from.

As I said, your most likely here because you clicked a link I posted on Facebook. Thanks for coming. It means a lot to know you care. But I got to thinking today... what do I really use Facebook for? Do I gain anything from my (seemingly unhealthy) addiction to Facebook? And what do I really use Facebook for? And do I use Facebook for the same reasons that everyone else does??

So, got to thinking about it, and I made a list of the most common things that I see folks using Facebook for, and how that relates to me.

Meetin' Chicks

No, I'm not talking about meeting baby chickens online (but that would be awesome). It seems to me that a lot of people use "the book" to explore opportunities to meet members of the opposite sex (or members of the same sex, should you get down like that). I'm happily married, so I have no use for this. Furthermore, I'd be a bit leery of any of the potential romantic conquests that I saw online because, frankly, it's too easy to lie on the Internet. For all I know, the person who claims to be a well endowed, leggy brunette, with a Harvard MBA could be (in actuality), a short, well endowed dude, who dropped out of the English program at Vanderbuilt (the Harvard of the south). I'm not saying a man couldn't meet a woman, or a woman a man, etc., etc... as I know several happily married people that met on the interweb. I'm just saying that I know how my luck runs, and I'd probably end up somewhere I didn't want to be. Just like those of you whop arrived at this bloggeration accidentally. Another offshoot of this seems to be the people who use Facebook to stalk their exes. This is sad and pathetic. I mean, you and whoever most likely broke up because you and s/he didn't see eye to eye about stuff, and nothing you can say to them on a Facebook profile will make them comeback to you. You'll just look desperate.

So, now that we've established the people who are on Facebook to get some sweet, sweet luvin', and that I am not one of those peeps, let's move onto the next group: the people that are there to PIMP THANGS (and not necessarily themselves).

Everybody has something they want to sell, and the ole' social networking sites are a great place to do it. Be it your band, novel, Amway, or whatever... every one has something that they want others to partake of, and I applaud that. There's no shame in pimpin' what you've got for the world to see. I do it myself with this sweet sweet bloggeration on an almost daily basis. So... rock on with your bad selves.

Next on the list: the people who love to play those *expletive deleted* Facebook games. I know it's become a bit cliched of late, but really, truly, from the bottom of my coal black heart: I DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR FARM, YOUR MAFIA, OR YOUR ABILITY TO MAKE WORD JUMBLES. If you want to play those games, that's your prerogative, and I applaud you for your initiative. However, please show some common courtesy and don't publish your staggering achievements in the arena of ____. And, for the love of everything I hold dear, don't invite me to partake in said games. I will not accept, and will most likely delete you as a friend.

And, ah yes, how could I forget about the folks that is there to hate. Indeed, the interweb provides us with an open forum to say whatever we want about any subject that we want to whenever we want to (OBAMA!!!), but the anonymity of the net also allows for cowards and trolls to say horrendous things about whatever they want to with seemingly no ill effect. If you do this, you are probably a single, Subway Sandwich Artist who lives with your mother. And you're a turd burglar. And I hate you. Yes. I said hate. It's a strong word, but it's the right one. Stop being a coward and tell me in person that you hate me because I liked Superman Returns. Be a man (or woman).

And lastly, there's the people that use Facebook to reconnect with friends, and stay in touch with those that they aren't able to see on a regular basis. This is what I probably use Facebook for the most (after pimpin' thangs). It's nice to be able to keep in touch with people that I was close to in High School, College, and while I was in Florida. However, as a word of caution: If you didn't talk to them when you saw them everyday, you won't talk to them on Facebook. Sure you may think to yourself "I always liked Timmy, he was a good egg" but in actuality you said maybe all of 3 dozen words to Timmy when you knew him in high school. Trust me, you won't have anything new to say to them 10 years later.

Well... that pretty much wraps everything up in a neat little package. What do you use facebook for? Other than posting awkward self portraits of yourself standing in front of a mirror shirtless?

Ya'll stay classy... wherever ya'll is...

Blakely A-dam Sumner

A question for the ages

In the annals of time and history, people have disagreed about things, and these disagreements are wonderful.

Coke, or Pepsi?

Super Nintendo, or Sega Genesis?

Team Edward, or Team Jacob?

Note: I don't even know what that means, but I'm trying to up my teen demo, so bear with me here

Use You Illusion 1, or Use Your Illusion 2?

Star Wars, or Star Trek?

Full House, Or Family Matters?

Tim Burton's Batman universe, or Chris Nolan's Batverse (both have their charms).

These are all examples of great debates that have waged throughout the years. In fact, I applaud these debates. Debates such as this one are what make our free market economy work. They keep monopolies from forming, and that keeps prices low low low. Had these debate topics existed in the 1800s, I'm certain Lincoln and Douglas would've debated about any of these topics instead of... whatever it was they were fussin' about.

And while all these are great topics, they pale in comparison to the question I am about to ask you. This is a question that has plagued scholars, theologians, and armchair philosophers for years: Who had the better rock and/or roll moustache?

Folk poet Jime Croce

Go ahead, mess around with Jim. I dare you.

or pop rock demigod Daryl Hall

These private eyes are watching you

Lemmy from Motorhead?

The only card I need is the Ace of Awesome.

Freddy Mercury?

Fat bottom girls was the most ironic song I ever wrote.

Or Floyd Pepper from Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem?

If Willie Nelson ever comes down off of whatever trip he's on... I'm pretty sure he's gonna sue somebody about this.

I mean, how do you judge a great rock 'stache? On the grounds of it's volume? Length? Tenacity? How many you got as a result of said facial artistry?

I personally feel that it's not how much moustache you have, but how you use said Moustache. For example, I don't think Floyd Pepper's moustache should really be in the running because, frankly, it's a hot mess. If the man (puppet?) can't be bothered to trim and maintain the thing, then he must not be very proud of it.

Which leads me to Lemmy. At least Lemmy's delicious handlebar affair is well coifed... but is it really a moustache? In most of the pics I've seen of Lemmy, it looks like the sweet walrus style handlebar he's adopted connects to his sideburns... so... really, isn't this more of a beard than a moustache? Upon further inspection, Lemmy's refusal to bridge the gap on his chin and grow a full beard shows that Lemmy is either too lazy to commit to growing a full beard, or too afraid to grow the darn thing. This makes me angry, so I'm removing him from the competition.

Next up is Daryl Hall. I want to like this stache. I really do. I mean... look at the man. He's some sort of bronzed Adonis that fell from the heavens to do two things: make Sarah Smile and love the ladies.

Sidebar: The Bird and the Bee just released an album of Hall and Oates cover songs. I haven't purchased it yet, b/c of a lack of funds, but I wouldn't complain if some saintly sole out there wanted to gift it to me on iTunes. I'm not sayin' you have too... I'm just sayin' it'd be cool if you did. I'm not hearing a "no"...

As much as I want to love this facial masterpiece, I can't for some reason. I think it might be because Daryl Hall just has too much going for him to allow me to focus on just his 'stache. For example:

• His pensive stare. They scream: "I've been hurt. Love me."
• His jheri curl. I got nothing but love for any man who's not afraid to let his soul glow.
• His perfectly chiseled chest.

I'm sorry... it's just impossible to judge the facial hair, b/c there are just too many other forces battling for my attention. So you're out Hall. Ya bum.

An then there were two: Mercury vs. Croce.

I platonically love both of these moustaches, the way a man might love a fine cheese or episode of Seinfeld. Mercury's moustache is technically perfect. It's well formed. Thick. Evenly trimmed. And... a perfect picture of 1970s excess.

And Croce... where to begin? It's full, and just a little wooly, as if to signify that he's got a bit of a wild side himself. But it's not so wooly that you think he's a slob. And the way that he folds the eges of the stache up belie a certain quirkiness to his personality that makes me think this is the sort of dude I'd want to invite to a barbecue... b/c I know he's got some stories about moving folks down the highway...

So... here it is... time to pick a winner... and I don't know what to do!!! They're both so good!

Screw it, I'm giving the award to Rick James.

Or Dave Chappelle as Rick James. It's uncanny how much he looked like James. Really. It is.

Ya'll stay classy... whereve ya'll is...

Blakely A-dam Sumner

Universal Truths about Nirvana.

I don't know much in this life, but I do know that there is one universal truth out there that no one can ever take for granted. This truth is that Nirvana was the most over rated band of all times.

That's right. I said it. I realize I've most likely committed musical sacrilege, but I mean it. Read on. And if you disagree, that's cool. Different opinions are what makes the internet a great place to be. So if you disagree, feel free to flame away in the comments.

Sure, Nirvana was supposed to be "the next Beatles" and they were supposed to "save music from itself". Well... guess what? Oh sure... they came along and saved music from the excess that was hair metal and Pop Music in the 1980s... but musical artists such as Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and the Backstreet Boys were back on top not 5 years after Nirvana's last album.

I suppose it's unfair to say that Nirvana was incapable of "saving music" (whatever that means) by comparing them to the Pop Music that took their place in popularity after Cobain shuffled off the mortal coil. To be fair I should make comparisons to the more "rock" or "alternative" artists that came into popularity in the wake of Nirvana.

Let's see... the best examples I can think of from the late 90s were Limp Bizkit, Korn, and Kid Rock. And everyone knows all three of these bands were made of suck. Once again: that's right. I said it. Limp Bizkit, Korn, and Kid Rock all sucked. Limp Bizkit sucked especially badly, because their biggest claim to fame is that they took an awful George Michael song and made it worse. Yes, I'll admit that it seemed novel at the time to fuse metal and rap together to make some kind of illegitimate hybrid of awfulness. But if you listen to any of those songs now (particularly Kid Rocks "I am the Bull God"), they all sound so formulaic. Basically every song is Boy doesn't fit in with crowd. Local kids call boy gay. Boy runs from the mainstream to the comforting embrace of metal... but somethings missing from this big ole pile of angry: the perfect rap. I KNOW! WE'LL RAP OVER THE CRUNCHY METAL RIFFS! WHITE KIDS WILL EAT IT UP!!! And eat it up we white kids did.

And yes, Korn's first album was good, b/c at the time ole' boy had some things to get off his chest. But by the time we'd gotten to "Got the Life" in 99 everybody got it: Jonathan Davis didn't fit in, and everybody knows that the only way to let the world know that you don't fit in anymore is to do a colabo with the king of family movies Ice Cube and call it "Children of the Korn".

But yet I still bought the album.

Why? Because what else was I going to listen to at the time? The internet as we know it didn't really exist at the time. So your only avenue to find new music was to either listen to the crappy local station, or watch TRL. And the closest thing TRL played to rock was Korn and Limp Bizkit. So, if you liked the hard rock or the alternative... that's pretty much what you had to go with.

Start Sidebar: Right about now, you're probably thinking "This guy is an idiot. There were lots of great bands from the late 90s. What about Sublime, 311, Rage Against the Machine, or Tool?" I'm glad you asked. I'll explain in two sentences or less why these bands will (unfortunately) never matter as much to my particular era as Korn or Limp Bizkit.

Sublime: Sublime only got famous b/c the lead singer O.D.ed. Sure, they made three great albums, but you can't look me in the eye and say as many people would know about them if the mother hadn't decided to take too many drugs.

311: Their biggest hit was a thank you to their fans for being faithful to them for so long. If they really mattered that much, wouldn't they have had a hit before that one?

Rage Against the Machine: Too political. Plain and simple.

Tool: Too weird to ever be mainstream.

End Sidebar.

I hear I've strayed a bit from my original point. The point is: Nirvana will never be as impactful as people want them to be because they only really made three proper albums. When you look at bands like the Beatles, U2 (who I hate with a passion by the way), Lynyrd Skynyrd, or even your lesser known punk acts like Bad Religion that are thought to have had a lasting impact on music, they all have one common thread: They made a crap-load of albums.

With only three albums, it was impossible for people to get an idea of what "kind" of band Nirvana was. This was also complicated by the fact that, deep down inside, Cobain wanted to write pop songs. Once again, you didn't read wrong. I said it. Cobain wanted o write pop music. This is evidenced in the best Nirvana songs (About a Girl, All Apologies, Polly, Something in the Way, Heart-Shaped Box, and Lithium to name a few) are all essentially pop songs with a little harder edge.

The band's inability to establish a "voice" through a well developed body of work is further complicated by the fact that their final Studio album (In Utero), is almost %100 stylistically different from Bleach and Nevermind. Cobain wasn't comfortable with his celebrity as a popular artist. He never made any secret about the fact that he hated the day Smells like teen spirit made him a celebrity. Listen to "Rape Me" from In Utero sometime... it's very structurally similar to Teen Spirit, and the lyrics say a lot.

Note: Yes. I realize that they also made Incesticide (a b-sides and rarities album), Unplugged (a live concert album that is probably the band's crowning achievement), and From the Muddy Banks of the Wishkah (which was just an awful mistake). However, none of these albums were albums that were completely new material intended to be listened to from strat to finish.

Lastly, I've never taken much stock in the notion that the music of the 1980s was this barren wasteland of awfulness. Sure, there were a lot of crappy bands, but there were a lot of great bands too (The Cure, The Smiths, Bauhaus, The Jesus and Mary Chain, and The Specials, to name a few). Yes, metal at the time was all slick, polished, and composed of bungholes who only got in to music to be famous... but guess what? SO DID MOST OF THE BANDS THAT CAME AFTER NIRVANA (Korn, Limp Bizkit, Smashing Pumpkins, and Stone Temple Pilots, to name a few).

Sorry if I broke your hearts. I didn't mean too. It's just my opinion, and I apologize if it's different from yours.

Ya'll stay classy... wherever ya'll is...

Blakely A-dam Sumner

PIMPIN' THANGS

I'm going to do something I don't typically do in my blog: use my powers to shamelessly plug a product. I know. You're shocked. You didn't come here to listen to me shill a variety of products... yet here we are. I should be ashamed, but I'm not. I'm not guided by man's laws. His ethos and moral boundries mean nothing to me. Nothing. Besides... No ones making you read this. If you don't like the fact that I'm holding you hostage to my whims you're welcome to go read other, crappier blogs.

That being typed. Let the shilling begin.

If you only purchase or download one CD this week/month/quarter/year, make sure it's the new album by Night Driving in Small Towns called Serial Killer.

It is, quite honestly, the best album I've gotten in quite some time. There are a myriad of things you can do while listening to Serial Killer, including:

1.) Going on a fancytown yacht cruise

This album was made to be played through a yacht's sound system

2.) Composing a journal entry

I know Jane's left us forever Mr. Fluffn'stuff... but this Night Driving album makes the pain go down nice and smooth.

3.) Attend a party, kegger, broo ha ha, box social, get together, youth rally, dance, shin dig, celebration, gala ball, occasion, soiree, affair... or whatever the kids are calling them these days

Everyone knows the party doesn't really start until Jeffey is well into juice-box number three.

4.) Root for your favorite sporting team

In same circles, the Albany Polecats of Albany, Ga. are looked upon with the same sort of awe and respect as the Toronto Raptors

5.) Plot your revenge

The Harlem Boys Choir had plans to kick Buffalo's lilly white butts this year. Kick em' hard. No one disrespects the Harlem Boys Choir. No one.

6.) Cook a delicious ham.

Ok... I admit this picture was in bad taste... but it still made me chuckle. Don't judge me.

7.) Visit your grandmother

Jimmy... I disagree with every choice you've made in your life to date... but your taste in music is impeccable.

8.) Adopt a kitten

The fact that snowball is drinking a milkshake is made even more adorable by how good this album is!

9.) Read a comic book or other piece of fine literature

10.) Goof off on the Internet

In short, there's really isn't anything you can't do while listening to this album. It's wonderful. Your eardrums will thank you.

The album is available through a wide variety of outlets, most notably iTunes, or by going to Amazon.com, the Lower 40 Records Website, or bestbuy.com. You can also find them on the internet via their website, facebook, or myspace page. The album is awesome. I can't say enough good things about it. I'd say that even if I wasn't friends with yhr lead singer. These guys are awesome.

Note about the links: Clicking the link will take you directly to the spot on the interweb where you can purchase the album. It'll change your life.

Sidebar designed to ease my own conscience: Please don't illegally download the album. Illegally downloading the album takes money out of the pockets of the artists. Which takes food out of their mouths. Sure, if these guys were world renowned superstars like Michael Bolton, I'd say pirate away. But since they're struggling artists I feel the need to remind you all that every time you illegally download an album from the interweb, a kitten contracts feline AIDS. Please, don't contribute to the epidemic of feline aids. It's too sad.

Ya'll stay classy... where ever ya'll is...

Blakely A-dam Sumner

Wikipedia and I (or is it me?)

Today, out of pure narcism, I decided to look and see if there was an entry about myself on Wikipedia. Sure, I could've googled myself, but I decided not to because it sounds so illicit to say that you "googled yourself" and because googling yourself is so 2005.

To my dismay, there is no Wikipedia page about myself. I love wikipedia. To quote Michael Scott from the office:

"Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information."

This is the truest thing that any person has ever said. Say, for exmaple, I don't know about what lead up to the French and Indian war. Well... all I have to do is to to wikipedia, and I can soon discover that the French and Indian war (or Seven Years War as it is more commonly referred to throughout the world) was started as direct result of French explorations of the area that is now known as Ohio, which lead to failed negotiations betwixt the French and the British (the "owners" of the the Ohio area at that time), and then resulted in an attack on Pickawillany (the coolest named place ever) by the French.

Sidebar: That was an extremely high level sketch of the events leading up to the French and Indian War. I'm certain if you went to your local library, or had paid attention in your 10th grade World History class (sorry Ms. Grantham), you'd probably know a lot more about it.

Additional Sidebar: I don't care about the French and Indian War in the slightest. I just picked a historical event at random, to illustrate a point. If you mistake this post as some sort of valentine expressing my love for obscure historical events and decide to email me about them, I will call you a wiener and mock you incessantly. You have been warned.

That being said, I died a little inside when I discovered that there was no Wikipedia entry about me. In an effort to right this wrong, I endeavored to create my own Wikipedia entry about myself. But my heart was broken once again when I discovered that Wikipedia doesn't allow one to create an entry about one's self.

After a brief rant to no one in particular about how this encroached upon several of my civil liberties (my first amendment rights specifically), I realized that I have the perfect forum in this bloggeration in which to create what my wikipedia entry would've looked like, had the fascist pigs at Wikipedia not held me down. So, I have created my own entry. And... if one of you faithful readers wanted to submit the entry to the Wikipedia moderators... well I wouldn't complain.

Note: I didn't mean that fascist pigs crack. I was just upset.

So, without further adieu, my wikipedia entry:

Blakely A-dam Sumner

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

Blakely A-dam Sumner (born June 17, 1981 in Douglas, Ga.) is an American dreamer, roustabout, amateur rapper, former King of Clermont, Fl. and all around wonderful person. He occasionally contributes to a blog of his own creation entitled "Ya'll don't wanna hear me. Ya just wanna dance." He is a self defined hipster, comic book reader, and self professed owner of an unhealthy infatuation with boat shoes.

Early Life

Birth

Blake Sumner was born on June 17, 1981 at approximately 10:42 in the morning. At the time of his birth, a cloud covered the sun for approximately 32 seconds, a kitten in Louisville Alabama was born with four paws, a man named Ashton Wilson in Seattle Washington sneezed, and a farm hand in Virginia hit his thumb with a hammer... cursing profusely as a result. These types of strange phenomena and events would plague Sumner's life.

Early Years

Not much is known of Sumner's early life. It is known that he made his way through elementary, middle, and high school without ever taking a twosie in a school restroom, and that he worked at Dairy Queen for three to four years during high school and junior college. Contrary to popular belief, he never actually went swimming in the mix tank that held the Dairy Queen's ice cream mix, but he wanted too. Very badly.

Another popular legend from this period in Sumner's life is that he wrote the screenplay for the Matrix. This is untrue. He actually wrote a one act play about a man who tried to build a helicopter powered by Kurt Cobain's self loathing, which Amy Tan later used as inspiration when writing The Joy Luck Club.

By 2001, Blake Sumner had transferred to the University of Georgia. At UGA, he changed major's approximately 37 times, eventually settling on English Education. Teaching wasn't suited for this titan of industry however, and he eventually decided that he didn't want to teach for the next thirty years. This decision led to the next chapter of his life: the Walt Disney World College Program Years.

Walt Disney World College Program

Even less is known about Sumner's college program. However, he once said (in a rare interview) that

"I don't remember a lot about my college programs. I did a lot of crazy stuff. Stuff that I'm not proud of, but I can never take back. I said a lot of horrible stuff, things that I can never take back... mostly because I meant them %100. But I did meet some cool people, and some crazy people. Like good ole' poo water."

One of the few stories that is known about Sumner's WDW College Program is the world famous Poo Water Incident (famously referred to in Sumner's memoirs as The Closest I ever came to getting fired from Disney or: The World Famous Poo Water Incident.

The poo water incident revolves around the time that young Blake Sumner came home at the end of a 12 hour shift ready to take a long hot shower after a day of great guest service. However, when he returned to his Chatham Square mansion, he discovered all of his towels sitting atop his laundry basket, soaking wet and stinky. When young Sumner had departed for work that morning, his towels were all clean, dry, and didn't wreak of doo doo.Sumner went and questioned his roommate at the time, his roommate lied and said that the towels were like that all day. Upon further inquiry, Sumner was able to ascertain from his roommate that the roommate had, in fact, overflowed the toilet in bathroom they shared and tried to use Blake's towels to clean up the mess and then put them atop Sumner's laundry pile try to hide the evidence of his stinky crime. Sumner was infuriated, and almost struck a blow to him. However, Sumner (an eternal pacifist), decided wisely to take a walk to cool himself out. Upon returning, he then forced his roommate to wash all of his laundry as penance for his horrible crime. Shortly thereafter, Sumenr moved in with a much cooler roommate. And the rest, as they say, is history.

Post WDW College Program

After his college program, Sumner spent the next five years in a variety of Human Resources positions within the Walt Disney World Resort. During that time, he also wooed, courted, and married his wife: the awesomest, prettiest lady who ever lived. Eventually, Sumner and his wife made the decision to relocate to the California area, where he is now seeking gainful employement.

Other Achievements:

Listed below, in no certain order, are the list of things Blake Sumner has done with his 28 years on this earth:

• Became the world's first 13th level wizard to overthrow an orc uprising in middle earth.
• Invented the semi-colon
• Flew the world's first transatlantic flight in a toaster oven
• Wrote his memoirs, entitled: 28 years of hustlin', most of them "hustle free" or: how I overcame my crippling paranoia and became the first man to ever win the polk County Ladies Break Dancing Competition
• Built a house made entirely of un-popped popcorn. Everything went fine until that first hot, Georgia morning
• Created a style of cooking known as ditchery
• Invented a guitar solo known as the face melter. This is ironic, because Sumner never actually learned to play the guitar
• Often (inexplicably) confuses Helen Keller and Amelia Earhart

Known Aliases

• Pale Ale (rap name)
• The King of Clermont
• The Ambassador of Awesome
• Rich Business
• Mother Luv
• Roy L. Tee
• Funky Flex and his Fabulous Funk-o-Flex Seven
• Chester A. Author

End of Entry

I hope you enjoyed it folks. Like I said, if this entry moved you, please feel free to post it to Wikipedia yourself. It's the only way we'll teach those scum bags.

Ya'll stay classy... wherever ya'll is...

Blakely A-dam Sumner

Beats to apply for jobs by

As the job search continues, I've been listening to my iPod a lot more as I search for jobs to apply for.

Note: I find it ironic that I titled this blog entry 'Beats to apply to jobs by" as if I listen to hip-hop music

That being said, I thought I'd share some of the songs that I'm digging the most with you right now. The plan is to put up a you tube video of the song (assuming said song is listed on youtube) along with a short explanation of why I love said song in the same way that I fat kid loves cake. The goal is to help educate all of you on what "good" music is.

Sidebar: In this instance (and in most others) "good" means the music I like. I've often been referred to by a friend as a musical Nazi. Personally, I find this a bit harsh because I may have persecuted folks for their (in my opinion) lacking taste in music, but I've never done anything like what the Nazis did.

I hope you like it. Please feel free to tell me if you think my music tastes sucks.

1.) Fake Empire by The National

The National is probably my favorite band going currently. I love this song because it starts off

so slow and unassuming and than it does this sort of... slow boil... to this truly amazing horn section. I can't say much more about this song. It's just awesome.

2.) Skinny Love by Bon Iver

I'm usually not a big fan of this whole "lo-fi" thang that seems to be going on in with a lot of the

bands and artists that people tell me I'm supposed to like, but for Bon Iver I'm willing to make

an exception to that rule. This is one of those songs that perfectly encapsulates a certain emotion

or state of mind. Unfortunatley, the emotion this time around is breaking up... but then again,

think about how many songs you like that are about breaking up. It kinda makes you feel bad

doesn't it?

3.) If it's the Beaches by the Avett Brothers

If I had to pick a 2nd favorite band, it would be the Avett Brothers. They may be a little too

country for some, but they right some really catchy music. This song is, quite possibly,

the saddest song ever written. It's all about this couple that have broken up, but the guy in the

relation ship desperately wants them to be together again... and in order to do this, he vows to

do whatever it takes and give the girl whatever she wants. The thing that makes the song so sad

(aside from the fiddle, or violin if you want to be sophisticated about it) is the last lines of the

song: If it's the beaches, if the beaches sands you want then you will have them. If it's the

mountains, bending rivers you shall have them. If it's a wish to run away then I will grant it.

Pack the old love letters up, while I go gas up the truck... we will read them when we forget

why we left here. To me, the thing that makes it so sad is that you can tell that he knows they'll

begin having problems... but he still has to try.

4.) Niagara Falls by Harlem Shakes

Just a catchy song. I likes it. Don't judge me.

5.) Bears by Sam Isaac

"I'm so scared of the truth... and automatic doors". At last a man (like myself) who is afraid

of everything. Also: "I was young, and I've made awful mistakes. But you were older, and you'd

do the same". Them's good lyrics!

I'm running out of stuff to say... so I'll just say that I dig the rest of these songs. A lot. And you

should too.

6.) Black Like Me by Spoon

7.) Citrus by The Hold Steady

8.) Judy and the Dream of Horses by Belle & Sebastian

I realized I was old for the first time on the day that I purchased my first Belle and Sebastian CD

9.) Knotty Pine by David Byrne and Dirty Projectors

It's the friggin' guy from the talking heads. What's not to love?

10.) Relator by Pete Yorn and Scarlett Johanson

I hate my self for loving this song.

11.) Hey Ya by Obadiah Parker

In my opinion, one of the cleverest covers since "GIn and Juice" by the Gourds.

So there you have it. Music I dig right now. Opinions are welcome. Bring on the hate. It fortifies

me.

Ya'll stay classy... whereever ya'll is...

Blakely A-dam Sumner