How I use Facebook

So... if you're reading this, you most likely came here because I posted I link on my Facebook page. You, being a lover of the written word (and these finely crafted ideas that I have that fell from heaven and landed in my brain) decided that you did in fact want to know my feelings on this topic, and clicked the link. And upon reading the link, you said to yourself "Self... this man is a genius... possibly the smartest man alive. I've always felt that way about ____, but never knew how to convert those emotions to words." I understand, and I appreciate the kind words you leave about the crap I talk about.

Of course, there is the possibility that you arrived here quite by accident. You know nothing of my work, and don't much care what I have to say about any topic. If you're here by accident, I once again feel that I must apologize. You've wasted precious minutes of your life that you'll never get back reading what is (I'm certain) nonsense. If you're here by mistake, I'll offer you some free pieces of advice that will hopefully make up for my wasting your time:

1. Download an album by Coconut Records. Yes, it's a stupid name for a band. But if you can listen to "West Coast" and tell me that it isn't one of the catchiest/saddest songs you've heard lately... well I'll tell you that you have no soul.
2. Never get involved in a land war in Asia. This one's self explanatory really.
3. Don't whiz on the electric fence. That one's for the gentlemen.
4. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket.

Hopefully these tidbits of knowledge will ease your troubled soul, and titillate you enough to continue reading. If not, I'm sorry I've wasted even more of your life. For now though, we have to get back to the point, which I have yet again veered from.

As I said, your most likely here because you clicked a link I posted on Facebook. Thanks for coming. It means a lot to know you care. But I got to thinking today... what do I really use Facebook for? Do I gain anything from my (seemingly unhealthy) addiction to Facebook? And what do I really use Facebook for? And do I use Facebook for the same reasons that everyone else does??

So, got to thinking about it, and I made a list of the most common things that I see folks using Facebook for, and how that relates to me.

Meetin' Chicks

No, I'm not talking about meeting baby chickens online (but that would be awesome). It seems to me that a lot of people use "the book" to explore opportunities to meet members of the opposite sex (or members of the same sex, should you get down like that). I'm happily married, so I have no use for this. Furthermore, I'd be a bit leery of any of the potential romantic conquests that I saw online because, frankly, it's too easy to lie on the Internet. For all I know, the person who claims to be a well endowed, leggy brunette, with a Harvard MBA could be (in actuality), a short, well endowed dude, who dropped out of the English program at Vanderbuilt (the Harvard of the south). I'm not saying a man couldn't meet a woman, or a woman a man, etc., etc... as I know several happily married people that met on the interweb. I'm just saying that I know how my luck runs, and I'd probably end up somewhere I didn't want to be. Just like those of you whop arrived at this bloggeration accidentally. Another offshoot of this seems to be the people who use Facebook to stalk their exes. This is sad and pathetic. I mean, you and whoever most likely broke up because you and s/he didn't see eye to eye about stuff, and nothing you can say to them on a Facebook profile will make them comeback to you. You'll just look desperate.

So, now that we've established the people who are on Facebook to get some sweet, sweet luvin', and that I am not one of those peeps, let's move onto the next group: the people that are there to PIMP THANGS (and not necessarily themselves).

Everybody has something they want to sell, and the ole' social networking sites are a great place to do it. Be it your band, novel, Amway, or whatever... every one has something that they want others to partake of, and I applaud that. There's no shame in pimpin' what you've got for the world to see. I do it myself with this sweet sweet bloggeration on an almost daily basis. So... rock on with your bad selves.

Next on the list: the people who love to play those *expletive deleted* Facebook games. I know it's become a bit cliched of late, but really, truly, from the bottom of my coal black heart: I DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR FARM, YOUR MAFIA, OR YOUR ABILITY TO MAKE WORD JUMBLES. If you want to play those games, that's your prerogative, and I applaud you for your initiative. However, please show some common courtesy and don't publish your staggering achievements in the arena of ____. And, for the love of everything I hold dear, don't invite me to partake in said games. I will not accept, and will most likely delete you as a friend.

And, ah yes, how could I forget about the folks that is there to hate. Indeed, the interweb provides us with an open forum to say whatever we want about any subject that we want to whenever we want to (OBAMA!!!), but the anonymity of the net also allows for cowards and trolls to say horrendous things about whatever they want to with seemingly no ill effect. If you do this, you are probably a single, Subway Sandwich Artist who lives with your mother. And you're a turd burglar. And I hate you. Yes. I said hate. It's a strong word, but it's the right one. Stop being a coward and tell me in person that you hate me because I liked Superman Returns. Be a man (or woman).

And lastly, there's the people that use Facebook to reconnect with friends, and stay in touch with those that they aren't able to see on a regular basis. This is what I probably use Facebook for the most (after pimpin' thangs). It's nice to be able to keep in touch with people that I was close to in High School, College, and while I was in Florida. However, as a word of caution: If you didn't talk to them when you saw them everyday, you won't talk to them on Facebook. Sure you may think to yourself "I always liked Timmy, he was a good egg" but in actuality you said maybe all of 3 dozen words to Timmy when you knew him in high school. Trust me, you won't have anything new to say to them 10 years later.

Well... that pretty much wraps everything up in a neat little package. What do you use facebook for? Other than posting awkward self portraits of yourself standing in front of a mirror shirtless?

Ya'll stay classy... wherever ya'll is...

Blakely A-dam Sumner