I Don't Wanna Be a Player No More: A question for the ages

In the annals of time and history, people have disagreed about things, and these disagreements are wonderful.

Coke, or Pepsi?

Super Nintendo, or Sega Genesis?

Team Edward, or Team Jacob?

Note: I don't even know what that means, but I'm trying to up my teen demo, so bear with me here

Use You Illusion 1, or Use Your Illusion 2?

Star Wars, or Star Trek?

Full House, Or Family Matters?

Tim Burton's Batman universe, or Chris Nolan's Batverse (both have their charms).

These are all examples of great debates that have waged throughout the years. In fact, I applaud these debates. Debates such as this one are what make our free market economy work. They keep monopolies from forming, and that keeps prices low low low. Had these debate topics existed in the 1800s, I'm certain Lincoln and Douglas would've debated about any of these topics instead of... whatever it was they were fussin' about.

And while all these are great topics, they pale in comparison to the question I am about to ask you. This is a question that has plagued scholars, theologians, and armchair philosophers for years: Who had the better rock and/or roll moustache?

Folk poet Jime Croce

Go ahead, mess around with Jim. I dare you.

or pop rock demigod Daryl Hall

These private eyes are watching you

Lemmy from Motorhead?

The only card I need is the Ace of Awesome.

Freddy Mercury?

Fat bottom girls was the most ironic song I ever wrote.

Or Floyd Pepper from Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem?

If Willie Nelson ever comes down off of whatever trip he's on... I'm pretty sure he's gonna sue somebody about this.

I mean, how do you judge a great rock 'stache? On the grounds of it's volume? Length? Tenacity? How many you got as a result of said facial artistry?

I personally feel that it's not how much moustache you have, but how you use said Moustache. For example, I don't think Floyd Pepper's moustache should really be in the running because, frankly, it's a hot mess. If the man (puppet?) can't be bothered to trim and maintain the thing, then he must not be very proud of it.

Which leads me to Lemmy. At least Lemmy's delicious handlebar affair is well coifed... but is it really a moustache? In most of the pics I've seen of Lemmy, it looks like the sweet walrus style handlebar he's adopted connects to his sideburns... so... really, isn't this more of a beard than a moustache? Upon further inspection, Lemmy's refusal to bridge the gap on his chin and grow a full beard shows that Lemmy is either too lazy to commit to growing a full beard, or too afraid to grow the darn thing. This makes me angry, so I'm removing him from the competition.

Next up is Daryl Hall. I want to like this stache. I really do. I mean... look at the man. He's some sort of bronzed Adonis that fell from the heavens to do two things: make Sarah Smile and love the ladies.

Sidebar: The Bird and the Bee just released an album of Hall and Oates cover songs. I haven't purchased it yet, b/c of a lack of funds, but I wouldn't complain if some saintly sole out there wanted to gift it to me on iTunes. I'm not sayin' you have too... I'm just sayin' it'd be cool if you did. I'm not hearing a "no"...

As much as I want to love this facial masterpiece, I can't for some reason. I think it might be because Daryl Hall just has too much going for him to allow me to focus on just his 'stache. For example:

His pensive stare. They scream: "I've been hurt. Love me."
His jheri curl. I got nothing but love for any man who's not afraid to let his soul glow.
His perfectly chiseled chest.

I'm sorry... it's just impossible to judge the facial hair, b/c there are just too many other forces battling for my attention. So you're out Hall. Ya bum.

An then there were two: Mercury vs. Croce.

I platonically love both of these moustaches, the way a man might love a fine cheese or episode of Seinfeld. Mercury's moustache is technically perfect. It's well formed. Thick. Evenly trimmed. And... a perfect picture of 1970s excess.

And Croce... where to begin? It's full, and just a little wooly, as if to signify that he's got a bit of a wild side himself. But it's not so wooly that you think he's a slob. And the way that he folds the eges of the stache up belie a certain quirkiness to his personality that makes me think this is the sort of dude I'd want to invite to a barbecue... b/c I know he's got some stories about moving folks down the highway...

So... here it is... time to pick a winner... and I don't know what to do!!! They're both so good!

Screw it, I'm giving the award to Rick James.