To my dismay, there is no Wikipedia page about myself. I love wikipedia. To quote Michael Scott from the office:
"Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information."
This is the truest thing that any person has ever said. Say, for exmaple, I don't know about what lead up to the French and Indian war. Well... all I have to do is to to wikipedia, and I can soon discover that the French and Indian war (or Seven Years War as it is more commonly referred to throughout the world) was started as direct result of French explorations of the area that is now known as Ohio, which lead to failed negotiations betwixt the French and the British (the "owners" of the the Ohio area at that time), and then resulted in an attack on Pickawillany (the coolest named place ever) by the French.
Sidebar: That was an extremely high level sketch of the events leading up to the French and Indian War. I'm certain if you went to your local library, or had paid attention in your 10th grade World History class (sorry Ms. Grantham), you'd probably know a lot more about it.
Additional Sidebar: I don't care about the French and Indian War in the slightest. I just picked a historical event at random, to illustrate a point. If you mistake this post as some sort of valentine expressing my love for obscure historical events and decide to email me about them, I will call you a wiener and mock you incessantly. You have been warned.
That being said, I died a little inside when I discovered that there was no Wikipedia entry about me. In an effort to right this wrong, I endeavored to create my own Wikipedia entry about myself. But my heart was broken once again when I discovered that Wikipedia doesn't allow one to create an entry about one's self.
After a brief rant to no one in particular about how this encroached upon several of my civil liberties (my first amendment rights specifically), I realized that I have the perfect forum in this bloggeration in which to create what my wikipedia entry would've looked like, had the fascist pigs at Wikipedia not held me down. So, I have created my own entry. And... if one of you faithful readers wanted to submit the entry to the Wikipedia moderators... well I wouldn't complain.
Note: I didn't mean that fascist pigs crack. I was just upset.
So, without further adieu, my wikipedia entry:
Blakely A-dam Sumner
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.
Blakely A-dam Sumner (born June 17, 1981 in Douglas, Ga.) is an American dreamer, roustabout, amateur rapper, former King of Clermont, Fl. and all around wonderful person. He occasionally contributes to a blog of his own creation entitled "Ya'll don't wanna hear me. Ya just wanna dance." He is a self defined hipster, comic book reader, and self professed owner of an unhealthy infatuation with boat shoes.
Early Life
Birth
Blake Sumner was born on June 17, 1981 at approximately 10:42 in the morning. At the time of his birth, a cloud covered the sun for approximately 32 seconds, a kitten in Louisville Alabama was born with four paws, a man named Ashton Wilson in Seattle Washington sneezed, and a farm hand in Virginia hit his thumb with a hammer... cursing profusely as a result. These types of strange phenomena and events would plague Sumner's life.
Early Years
Not much is known of Sumner's early life. It is known that he made his way through elementary, middle, and high school without ever taking a twosie in a school restroom, and that he worked at Dairy Queen for three to four years during high school and junior college. Contrary to popular belief, he never actually went swimming in the mix tank that held the Dairy Queen's ice cream mix, but he wanted too. Very badly.
Another popular legend from this period in Sumner's life is that he wrote the screenplay for the Matrix. This is untrue. He actually wrote a one act play about a man who tried to build a helicopter powered by Kurt Cobain's self loathing, which Amy Tan later used as inspiration when writing The Joy Luck Club.
By 2001, Blake Sumner had transferred to the University of Georgia. At UGA, he changed major's approximately 37 times, eventually settling on English Education. Teaching wasn't suited for this titan of industry however, and he eventually decided that he didn't want to teach for the next thirty years. This decision led to the next chapter of his life: the Walt Disney World College Program Years.
Walt Disney World College Program
Even less is known about Sumner's college program. However, he once said (in a rare interview) that
"I don't remember a lot about my college programs. I did a lot of crazy stuff. Stuff that I'm not proud of, but I can never take back. I said a lot of horrible stuff, things that I can never take back... mostly because I meant them %100. But I did meet some cool people, and some crazy people. Like good ole' poo water."
One of the few stories that is known about Sumner's WDW College Program is the world famous Poo Water Incident (famously referred to in Sumner's memoirs as The Closest I ever came to getting fired from Disney or: The World Famous Poo Water Incident.
The poo water incident revolves around the time that young Blake Sumner came home at the end of a 12 hour shift ready to take a long hot shower after a day of great guest service. However, when he returned to his Chatham Square mansion, he discovered all of his towels sitting atop his laundry basket, soaking wet and stinky. When young Sumner had departed for work that morning, his towels were all clean, dry, and didn't wreak of doo doo.Sumner went and questioned his roommate at the time, his roommate lied and said that the towels were like that all day. Upon further inquiry, Sumner was able to ascertain from his roommate that the roommate had, in fact, overflowed the toilet in bathroom they shared and tried to use Blake's towels to clean up the mess and then put them atop Sumner's laundry pile try to hide the evidence of his stinky crime. Sumner was infuriated, and almost struck a blow to him. However, Sumner (an eternal pacifist), decided wisely to take a walk to cool himself out. Upon returning, he then forced his roommate to wash all of his laundry as penance for his horrible crime. Shortly thereafter, Sumenr moved in with a much cooler roommate. And the rest, as they say, is history.
Post WDW College Program
After his college program, Sumner spent the next five years in a variety of Human Resources positions within the Walt Disney World Resort. During that time, he also wooed, courted, and married his wife: the awesomest, prettiest lady who ever lived. Eventually, Sumner and his wife made the decision to relocate to the California area, where he is now seeking gainful employement.
Other Achievements:
Listed below, in no certain order, are the list of things Blake Sumner has done with his 28 years on this earth:
- Became the world's first 13th level wizard to overthrow an orc uprising in middle earth.
- Invented the semi-colon
- Flew the world's first transatlantic flight in a toaster oven
- Wrote his memoirs, entitled: 28 years of hustlin', most of them "hustle free" or: how I overcame my crippling paranoia and became the first man to ever win the polk County Ladies Break Dancing Competition
- Built a house made entirely of un-popped popcorn. Everything went fine until that first hot, Georgia morning
- Created a style of cooking known as ditchery
- Invented a guitar solo known as the face melter. This is ironic, because Sumner never actually learned to play the guitar
- Often (inexplicably) confuses Helen Keller and Amelia Earhart
- Pale Ale (rap name)
- The King of Clermont
- The Ambassador of Awesome
- Rich Business
- Mother Luv
- Roy L. Tee
- Funky Flex and his Fabulous Funk-o-Flex Seven
- Chester A. Author
I hope you enjoyed it folks. Like I said, if this entry moved you, please feel free to post it to Wikipedia yourself. It's the only way we'll teach those scum bags.
Ya'll stay classy... wherever ya'll is...
Blakely A-dam Sumner
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