I Don't Wanna Be a Player No More: 2010

Friday, December 24, 2010

Season's Greetings

Hi Friends,

Here it is, the day before Christmas. Are you excited? Will you be able to sleep tonight despite the visions of sugarplums running rampant through your nasty minds? Were you good, or will Santa be filling your stocking with fossil fuels? Have you prepared yourself accordingly to celebrate the birth of Santa?

I hope for your sakes that you were good, because it’s hard to get that much coal into a sleigh. But as I sit here, sipping upon my holiday nog and listening to the festive sounds of Christmas blasting through my iPod, I’ve realized that most Christmas music sucks.

That’s right, I said it. Most Christmas music is awful. Think about, Christmas is supposed to be a time of celebration and joy, but yet we have songs like “Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas” and “I’ll be home for Christmas.” These songs are, to be blunt, like a kick in the crotch quickly followed by a secondary kick to the crotch. Yes, I understand that these songs are supposed to be bittersweet, but that don’t make it right.

Christmas music should be happy. Yes I understand that everyone isn’t happy and that many horrible things have happened at Christmas and in the name of Christmas, but that’s not the point of Christmas! Christmas is about celebrating peace, goodwill, and your fellowman—but most of the Christmas music is sluggish and depressing. It’s so sad, but I aim to correct that! I’ve compiled a list of some of my favorite obscure (and not so obscure Chrimah songs for your listening enjoyment!

Please, enjoy!

"Santa Lost a Ho" by The CHristmas Jug Band

Ah, double entendres, you can make me laugh every time. This song is a life changer.

"Get Behind Me, Santa!" by Sufjan Stevens

I think this song is supposed to be about how creepy the concept of Santa really is. I mean, a strange fat man breaks into your house by climbing down your chimney every December 24 with the intent of eating your cookies and milk and leaving you presents? That is a little strange when you think about it.

"Zat You, Santa Claus?" by Louis Armstrong

I just like this song. Don't judge me.

"Baby It's Cold Outside" by Ella Fitzgerald

Not exactly a Christmas song, and upon repeated listens, it's fantastically tawdry. Catchy though.

"Christmas (Baby Please Come Home") by Death Cab for Cutie

A cover of a U2 song, and potentially depressing, but still incredibly well done.

"Donde Esta Santa Claus" by Guster

If you don't like this, you have no soul

"Santa Baby" by Everclear

A song that should never be sung by a dude, but yet this works somehow.

"Last Christmas" by Jimmy Eat World

A Whaam! cover? YAY!!!

"Santa Claus is Watching You" by Ray Stevens

Don't you judge me.

"Christmas Time is Here" by the Vince Giraldi Trio

Someday, when I've made my fortune I'm going to hire a small choir of children to follow me everywhere I go throughout the month of December as they sing this song.

"Christmas Song" by Dave Matthews & Tim Reynolds

Hate Dave Matthews, love this song.

So there you have it, some of my favorite Christmas songs. I hope that each of you have a safe, happy and wonderful holiday. In my own special way, I love each of you. These days, it can be easy to lose sight of what Christmas is all about. In the hustle of our daily lives, trying to wrap presents, putting up the tree and general chaos that it our lives it can be easy to lose sight of what the holiday is about: love. We sometimes forget that at Christmas we're celebrating the birth of Man who was sacrificed himself for the idea that we should all love one another blindly and do the right thing all the time. And regardless of your belief system, you have to admit that there are worse things to die for.

So in conclusion: Enjoy your holiday. Tell those you love that you love them. Be happy. Laugh often. Watch football. Hug. Overeat. Be good.

Ya'll stay classy... wherever ya'll is...

Blakely A-dam Sumner

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Random Thoughts

Hi Friends,

Welcome back. It’s been a long time. I shouldn’t have left you, without a dope blog to step to, step to, step to . Anyway, we’ve established that I am incapable of maintaining any sort of a realistic deadline. It’s horrible, I know. You people depend on me for so, so many things. Ok, maybe not.

As you may have noticed, I’ve changed the name of blog. I shortened the title, and changed the overall look to make things simpler to read. Additionally, I’ve included a playlist feature that allows me to share music that I’m currently enjoying with all of you. Good, good times.

So, now that we’ve taken care of that it of housekeeping, we can move onto what you all came here for: a new bloggeration!!!

And…I’ve got nothing.

My muse has deserted me. The wellspring of creativity has dried up. I wanted to paint you a picture of my bleak—bordering upon Swiftian—world view but was unable to find the words. And once again, I’ve let you down.

Or have I ?

True, I may not unable to find one single topic that I am able string together 200 to 3,000 words about this moment, but I can find several shorter topics to wax philosophical about. I shall call this segment “Random Thoughts” and it will be just that.
Here’s how it works: I’ve got a head full of random thoughts that I am going to share with you, in no certain order. These thoughts can be about anything that crosses my nasty mind. I warn you, my drunken hobo ramblings might not make sense to you , but that’s what makes America great.

So without further ado:

Random Thought: I just moved into a new townhome. We’re renting. It’s awesome. However, I suspect that my new Oakhurst Mansion may be haunted. Or, I have really noisy beighbors who like to break into my house late at night with bedsheets stereotypically draped over their bodies to scare me. Either way.

Random Thought: If you only buy / download one album this year, please consider making that album “High Violet” by The National. If you only illegally pirate one album this year, you’re a thief and a scumbag-and the drummer from Metallica hates you.

Random Thought: I have a holiday that I began observing in Florida. It’s called Hanksgiving, but it always takes place on Thanksgiving. All you have to do to observe this holiday is to watch a crapload of Tom Hanks movies every year on Thanksgiving day.

The beauty of Hanksgiving is that it can be-and honestly, should be-celebrated in conjunction with Thanksgiving, so it’s kind of a win-win situation. Think about it, you get turkey, cranberries, stuffing, mashed taters, a nearly unrivaled body of cinematic work, and clever wordplay—all rolled into one neat little package.

Random Thought: I’m currently reading a really good comic by Mark Waid called “Irredeemable.” The premise of the series is essentially: What if Superman was a d*ck?

It’s all about this superhero named the Plutonian who snaps one day, without explanation, and goes on a murderous rampage. All of his superhero friends are left to defeat, but they don’t know how to do so because he’s so powerful. If’s awesome. You should read it.

Random Thought: Kanye West is a horrible person.

Random Thought: If science ever figures out a way to genetically engineer a dinosaur—Jurassic Park style—I hope that they can also splice some vocal chords into that bad boy so the dinosaur can talk. Should this abomination of science ever come to fruition, I hope that they’ll name it the Thesaurus, because it will be a dinosaur that knows words.

Random Thought: A pig that is also a dracula is colloquially known as a “Hampire.” That joke never gets old.

Random Thought: Does anybody remember Surge? Coca-Cola’s answer to Mountain Dew? That stuff was delicious. Supposedly testicle shrinking, but delicious nonetheless.

Random Thought: Remember when Jay-Z used to refer to himself as H.O.V.A.? Do you think that’s because he was trying to be clever and refer to himself Jay-H.O.V.A., thereby subtly implying that his rhymes were so good that they bordered on divinity?

Random Thought: Zombieland was 73 percent better than I thought it was going to be.

Random Thought: “What a Fool Believes” is the best Doobie Brother’s jam of all times.

Random Thought: You may, in fact, be Spider-Man and not realize it. Think about it, have you ever been in the same place at the same time as Spider-man? I didn’t think so.

Random Thought: As many of you know, I’m in the process of writing my memoirs. So far, the manuscript is 3,478-and-three-quarters pages long, spanning across 6 volumes. Volume one is entitled 29 Years of Hustlin’, Most of Them “Hustle-Free” or: Things you should never do on a dare. It was ghost written by Gore Vidal , and it is mostly a work of blatant fiction. In fact, most of the first two chapters is a word-for-word retelling of the Gordon Lightfoot classic “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.”

Random Thought: I want a time machine.

Random Thought: Charlie Daniels' The Devil Went Down to Georgia is, arguably, the ultimate achievement in the art of bluegrass music. That said, am I the only one that finds it ironic that the band that the devil called up from the fiery pits played old school funk? Am I ?

Random Thought: I’ll probably never have a song that is a hit on the music charts.

Random Thought: I want a present

Random Thought: No really, I want a present

Random Thought: Then way I see it, there is only three practical uses for the social networking site known as Foursquare: vandalism, stalking and petty thievery. Let’s face it, no one needs to know when you check in somewhere unless they intend to:

• Rob your home while you’re not there

• Follow you wherever it is you’re going, and then kidnapping you when you get there

• Toilet Paper your car while you’re “checked in” to wherever it is you’re going.

Random Thought: The holidays are almost upon us, and we all know what that means: Holiday Specials. I love holiday specials, but they do some to fall into one of the following themes:

• Crotchety miser learns the true meaning of the holidays and is forever changed

• An elf / reindeer / Cyclops / other fictional creature is an outcast because he / she / it is different, said creature runs aways until Santa realizes that only they save Christmas

• A young boy goes on an epic quest to find the true meaning of Christmas, or a Red Rider BB Gun. Whichever comes first.

Since these have all been done, I want to see a new Christmas special, about a policeman who is beaten nearly to death in the line of duty but is brought back to life as a cyborg and has all sorts of crazy, ultra violet adventures. What’s that? That’s the plot of Robocop? My bad…

Random Thought: There’s only one true test of strength: bench pressing a Buick Regal. Can you bench press a Buick Regal? If you can, you’re strong. If you can’t, you’re weak.

Random Thought: There’s a big difference between the words “could” and “should.”

Random Thought: A list of words I believe to be criminally underused: Hence, Lustry, Sheen, Flaxen, Flotsam, Glom, Hasten, Delicious , Smarm, Asunder, Daring, Xylophone, Canny, Apt.

Random Thought: DMX was not a good rapper. However, he showed an incredible aptitude for stating the obvious when titling his albums. It’s Dark and Hell is Hot? D’uh…

And that’s all folks. I wish I had more random thoughts with which to blow your nasty minds. Alas, I do not. Well, until next time:

Ya’ll stay classy… wherever ya’ll is…

Blakely A-dam Sumner

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Listen to sumnb001s Playlist

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Welcome Back: A Frank and Earnest Discusssion

Hi friends.

It’s been a long time. I know, I know. I’m a scumbag. The world needed—no, needed isn’t a strong enough word—demanded[1] that I share my opinions and insights on a variety of topics, and I let the world down. You came here day after day, to this bloggeration, hoping beyond hope for some new diatribe filled with made-up words and wild proclamations[2]. You do this because you realize that my hold on sanity is tenuous at best, and this makes you feel better about yourselves by default. Now when you come to this bloggeration[3] all you see is a void that has been untended since early July. I realize that this void I’ve created extends from your computer monitors, all the way into your hearts[4].

You trusted me to provide you with minutes of comedy[5] three to four times a week and I betrayed that trust. I’m immensely sorry for letting you down, and hope that someday—somehow—I can regain your trust.

I want to continue thrizzling[6] your faces off, but due to constraints on my time, mental abilities, and financial restraints[7]. Moving forward, I’m going to try to post a new blogerration once a week, on the weekends. These bloggerations may or may not be longer than their predecessors were, but I can tell you that they will have:

· More gratuitous footnotes per line-of-text than any other bloggeration on the internet[8].
· Illogical boasts, braggadocios use of my unrivaled verbal prowess and crazed rants about the various and sundry everyday occurrences that roust my anger from its sleep—like some horrendous Lovecraftian terror-beast, slouching towards the interweb to be born[9].
· The occasional unwarranted use of simile and metaphor.
· Anger. So much anger.
· An excessive, nearly pornographic, overuse of both the comma and the exclamation mark[10].
· Bulleted lists, to improve clarity and understanding within the messaging.
· Insincere intellectualism.

Now that apologies have been made and expectations have been laid clear, I can proceed with the doing out what I came here to do today: a frank and earnest discussion about Ayn Rand and literature[11]!!!

Earlier this week, I went against my strict ‘no purchasing of books’ policy[12] and purchased a copy of Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged. Due to forces beyond my control I, along with everyone else on my team, have had to adjust our work schedules to cover day-to-day operations. This means working nights and weekends, with occasional downtime. At the time, I found myself between books so I walked to a local bookstore on my break to find something to occupy my time when communicating to the masses.

Atlas Shrugged, for those of you who’ve never had the pleasure, is essentially a 1070 page novel about a dystopian United States in which a group of innovative pioneers and captains of industry refuse to let society exploit them[13]. It’s the sort of novel that almost requires one to keep a flow chart with the names/roles of the characters beside them throughout the reading. So far, I’ve encountered roughly 16 characters of varying importance. These characters often appear to drop bombshells with no reintroduction after being absent from the plot for 100 pages or more[14].

I’m only 170 pages into the novel, but I must say that so far I’m enjoying it.

Now that all contextual preambles have been established, we can finally get down to business. Earlier this week I was at work—being a communications machine—when a person from another department who works on my floor happened by and noticed that I was reading the book, as I had sat it on my desk before starting work. I should say that I don’t typically like to leave the books that I’m reading lying about where strangers and acquaintances can notice them. To me, books/hobbies/musical preferences/recreational drug habits/etc. belong solely to the person partaking in said activity. I believe that they do whatever it is that they do because they enjoy it, and it’s not my place to sit in judgment of the things they derive pleasure from[15]. That being said, the ensuing conversation did wander off into an interesting place.
This person, who shall go un-named, asked me why I was reading this book. I told them that I was reading the book because it was the cheapest book in the bookstore that sounded interesting. His response was “I’ve… I’ve never heard anyone give that as a response for reading a book before,” coupled with a look of puzzlement and astonishment on his face.

I suppose that his look of confusion was due in large part to my honesty[16]. We went on to have a brief, but nonetheless meaningful conversation about how people rarely say things of that nature. I can only assume that he wanted me to give some scholarly answer, as people rarely read books that long for pleasure. I find this slightly appalling, because there are countless other things in life that we do out of want, and not necessity.

Think about it:
How many times have you eaten something, not because you wanted to, but because it was all that was available to you at the time?
How many times have you watched a television program that you didn’t truly care about, but still watched it because there was simply nothing better on?
How many times have you gone on an outing with your friends that you didn’t want to, but still went because your friends wanted to do so?
How many hours have you logged on facebook/twitter/foursquare/etc. because you couldn’t find any other alternative to your current activities?

Doing something “just because” isn’t really an uncommon practice. However, when this logic was applied to my reading choices, I was looked upon as some sort of Columbus, sailing blindly into the western seas of logic—doomed to someday sail over the edge of sanity into the barren wastelands of eccentricity. After our conversation was finished, the person left, back to their own lives of order, where every book that is read is read with a purpose. I’m 99 percent certain that the person in the conversation who wasn’t me went about the rest of their day, never giving another thought to the conversation. I believe that most folks never pause to consider their conversations, or what said conversations may mean[17], but I am not most men.

In the past few days, this conversation has given me much time to consider; why does man read anything[18]? After much consideration, I realized that there were only a few key reasons why anyone would read any book or other publication:
· To learn some greater truth about themselves or the world around them[19].
· To learn something that will better equip them to provide for themselves or those around them[20].
· To entertain themselves during a brief portion of their trip from birth to the grave[21].

Other than that, there aren’t really a lot of reasons why you would read anything. You read self help books “just because” you want to be a better person. You read comic books and Danielle Steele novels “just because” you want to be entertained[22]. You read books in college “just because” they’ll help you make fat stacks of cash[23].

Anything you do beyond that is just pointless posturing. You should never do anything with the sole intent of making yourself look better. It comes off as phony, and everyone will see through you like a thin t-shirt. When it comes down to it, do you. If people don’t like the things that you like, do you want to associate with them anyway[24]?

Ya’ll stay classy… wherever ya’ll is…

Blakely A-dam Sumner

[1] Perhaps ‘demanded’ is too strong of a word as well. In fact, the reality of it is that I got bored one night and made a blog that six people read, but do not enjoy. These people clearly are clearly sadists who have nothing better to do than subject themselves to the abject horror of this unfortunate confluence of words. I pity you, but at the same time love you.
[2] Past examples of this include, but are in no way limited to, the following: My belief that all vampires should be referred to, not as vampires, but as draculas; the fact that I seem to believe that Amelia Earhart and Helen Keller were the same person; my love of Skymall magazine; my love affair with Dave Eggers; and the fact that I love/hate Kanye West.
[3] See! Made-up words people!
[4] Your coal-black heart.
[5] Once again, I feel that comedy may not be the best choice of words but, like progress, we will continue to march forward until I have the opportunity to invent a word that is an adequate descriptor of what exactly it is that I do here.
[6] SEE!!! MORE NEW WORDS!!! SOMEBBODY GET WEBSTER’S DICTIONARY ON THE PHONE ASAP!!! WE’RE GONNA BE RICH BABY!!!
[7] That last part is, in all likelihood, a damnable lie from Hell’s fiery furnaces. Writing this bloggeration costs me nothing. Well, nothing but my dignity and ten fingers that have been worn down to nothing after untold hours slaving away at a keyboard
[8] Because, really, a bloggeration on the internet is the perfect place to make frequent use of the footnote.
[9] For example: People who take entirely too long to put sugar and cream in their coffee, while simultaneously taking up the entire island devoted to said cream and sugar. I mean really, the entire interaction should take thirty seconds max.
[10] I’m comma crazy people!!!!
[11] By the way, that sound you just heard was the sound of the eyes of my entire readership—all six of you—glazing over. I realize this may sound like a boring topic. In the hands of a less deft wordsmith, it most likely would be. Luckily, you’re riding with the king baby. I encourage you to stick with me. You may learn something.
[12] Simply put, I rarely re-read any book I buy. Furthermore, I truly enjoy an even smaller percentage of the books I read. Therefore, spending fifteen to twenty-five dollars on something that will gather dust on a bookshelf in the library of my mansion seems absurd to me.
[13] Thanks Wikipedia, made that explaining the moral crux of the novel much, much simpler for me.
[14] Yes, I realize this sounds horrible. However, form what I surmise; the novel isn’t about the characters so much as it’s about the character’s ideals. This is extremely ironic, given Ayn Rand’s status as the creator of objectivism.
[15] Granted, I’m painting with an excessively broad brush here. Sometimes people do incredibly stupid things that harm themselves and others. In those instances, you should probably step in to stop them from harming themselves irreparably. However, if a man likes to sit in his underpants and watch Family Guy while devouring a three pound bag of Skittles, I don’t think he should be judged too harshly.
[16] In case you’ve forgotten in my absence, I’m a truth warrior of unrivaled skill.
[17] This thought fills my heart with a slight sadness, and my belly with hunger.
[18] Understandably, an argument could—and has—been made by many armchair philosophers and stoners the world over. I applaud these shiftless gadabouts for their capacity to think about these weighty matters of import. I am not these men though, and that is not where our focus lies. I am here to talk about a specific issue, and if you don’t like what I have to say you can go play volleyball.
[19] This would apply to religious and philosophical works.
[20] To put it colloquially, book learnin’ of the sort that takes place in schools and colleges to help you in your chosen career.
[21] Maudlin, but truthful.
[22] Albeit, in an completely un-classy way.
[23] This point is subject for debate. I know several people who went to college who have to roll pennies to buy their groceries. Meanwhile, I know people who are borderline retarded who go home to their mansions each night and dive into pools or money—without caring about how truly unsanitary that really is—Scrooge McDuck style.
[24] Unless you’re spending time with that person because you happen to find that other person attractive. That just makes you shallow.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

The Best Idea I Ever Had

Unless you’ve been living underneath a rock for the past year or so[1], you’ve probably realized that pop culture has become obsessed with two things:

draculas[2]

It's a little known fact that draculas are huge fan's of the Michael Jackson's body of work, and have to dance the Thriller dance upon first awaking from their unholy slumber each night.

And polygamy

In the immortal words of Big Daddy Kane: Pimpin'. Ain't. Easy.

It’s nearly impossible to turn on your televisions, open a book, or visit a movie theatre without seeing a dracula or family who believes in the principal of plural marriage. Shows like True Blood and the Twilight[3]t novels and films have made draculas cooler than ever. Heck one of my favorite bands is actually named Vampire Weekend[4]. And books and shows like The 19^th Wife, Big Love, and The Lonely Polygamist have made it ok to bring up polygamy at the dinner table for the first time in, well, ever[5].

Let’s face it people, draculas and polygamy are concepts that most people consider “sexy”[6], so it just makes sense that they would be experience a few fleeting moments of popularity. That being said, I’ve decided to through my name in the pot and cash-in on the bandwagon while the cashin’-in is good. I’ve come up with an idea. An idea guaranteed to make me a millionaire[7].

So I said to myself: "Self, what would happen if there was s TV program about a family of dracula polygamists?This led me to my idea: I’ve decided to created a show about band of polygamist vampires who live in the Arizona desert called Love Sucks.

The show will be about a man named D.R. Acula[8], who is living on a polygamist compound in Arizona. They were originally part of a group of traveling Mormons in the 1800’s who were attacked by a caravan of traveling draculas in the Arizona desert. D.R. and his 4 wives spend their days[9] running from Dracula-hunters and a legal system that doesn’t understand their way of life. While dodging stakes and legal persecution, they also search for people that they can convert to their blood-sucking polygamist lifestyle.

D.R. Acula will be matching wits with the sheriff of Bloodlust[10], one Sheriff Vann Helzing[11] who suspects the Acula clan of not only dabbling in polygamy, but of being unholy children of the night. The first season will be based around Halzing’s quest to find out the truth about the Acula’s. This will eventually culminate in the season finale, in which D.R. turns Halzing’s daughter into his 5^th wife. DRAMA!!!

So there you have it. That’s my idea, and it’s a darn good one. And if you don’t like it, you’re just hatin’ because you didn’t think of it first!!!

Disclamer: I also feel that I should pause at this juncture to remind everyone that this bloggeration is meant to thrizzle[12], not offend. I realize that some of the things I’ve said here could be construed as offensive or culturally insensitive. I very rarely mean anything I say through this particular venue, and this is no exception. Should you find yourself offended at any point during the reading of this, do not blame me. Blame your own smallminded world view instead.

Ya’ll stay classy… wherever ya’ll is…

Blakely A-dam Sumner

[1] Or you hate popular culture, or you’re my grandmother.

[2] Or “vampires” if you are some sort of philistine who refuses to accept the fact that I insist on referring to bloodsucking creatures of the night as draculas. You’re rigid inability to accept change disgusts me, and I spit in your general direction.

[3] I’m team Jacob by the way. I don’t even know what that means, but I know that I mean it.

[4] I’m such a poser. Everyone knows Vampire Weekend stopped being cool two years ago.

[5] Important Note: I probably wouldn’t bring up polygamy at Sunday supper unless you make it completely clear that you are talking about one of the shows I mentioned above. Otherwise, your family might think that you have some desire to get freaky.

[6] Note how I used quotes around the word sexy to distance my self from the people who feel this way. I personal think bloodsuckers are gross, and don’t even get me started on polygamy. Yuck… just… yuck.

[7] And lest you get any funny ideas, I’ve already mailed a copy of my idea to myself. In polite circles this is known as a “redneck copyright”. And while the legality of this concept is often debated, it’s the method that I have chosen to safeguard my work from you vultures. So please, don’t steal my ideas.

[8] Get it, D.R. Acula? Dracula? It’s quite clever… when you think about it.

[9] Or should I say nights? Did I mention how clever I am?

[10] Did I forget to mention that the name of the town is Bloodlust?

[11] Get it? Van Helzing… Van Hellsing? I can’t help but revel in my own cleverness.

[12] thrizzle = entertain

Friday, July 16, 2010

An important post

Dear Facebook friends,

Never suggest a page, cause, game, or website to me, especially if suggesting that page will somehow help you gain something in whatever game it is your suggesting to me. I don't care about your farm, the status of your mafia, the fact that you need my help to become a 10th level mage, or that their are fetal felines in France with fantastical farts who need my prayers to lower their gas level. I mock you openly for wasting my time, and hope that you have diarrhea this weekend.

Ya'll stay classy... wherever ya'll is...

P.S. At some point this weekend, I'm going to post a bloggeration that will cahnge your LIFE. Or at least make you belly laugh for 2 and a half minutes.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Thangs You Cain't Live Without

A note before I begin: I think I’ve figured out how one can comment on this artfully written bloggeration without subscribing. Please try and let me know if you can comment without subscribing (via Facebook if you can’t comment).

Hi friends. I know, it’s been a long time since I bloggerated about any of the various and sundry topics that cross my nasty mind to bloggerate about. I apologize for that, and I hope you’ll be able to forgive my many shortcomings and faults. The reason why I wasn’t able to put words to interweb lately during the past week is because I took a short trip home to visit my parents during the gap before I started my new big boy job[1].

The trip was nice, and it allowed me to see the rents while experience the vast beauty of the dirty south[2]. It also gave me multiple opportunities to do one of my favorite things of all time: peruse the Skymall Magazine for pappy crap of all types!!!

Sub-bloggeration: Hell is real place my friends, and it can be located within the bowels of the Houston George Bush International Airport. In my limited flying experience, I have never encountered an airport so difficult to navigate.

Also, there is a Devil, and he is known as Continental Airlines. They are, without a doubt, the rudest air provider of all times. Also, they felt the need to place me next to stinky teenage boys and jerkholes on all my flights. I do not support your insensitive ways, and I will never fly your unfriendly skies again.

End Sub-bloggeration

If you’ve never had the opportunity see the vast selection of items available in the Skymall Magazine, I would encourage you to take a flight somewhere just so you can see what all the hubbub is about[3]. Skymall Magazine is great because, much like Brookstone, they sell all the crap you never really needed.

Here’s a few examples of some of the stuff I found this time around:

24 Karat Gold Recordable CDs

MAM-A 24K Gold Archive CD-R Discs, 10-pack Jewel Case

"As Nasty as they Wanna Be" never sounded morse expensive!

For years, I’ve wanted to send all my friends and family members a copy of 2 Live Crew’s magnum opus As Nasty As they Wanna Be[4], but I couldn’t find anything to record a copy of the album onto that was worthy of the Crew. At with 24K gold CDs, I finally have the means to record copies of all the best albums I own to send to those I love the most[5].

Gravity Defyer Shoes

Oh Peter... That's nasty...

These shoes are, theoretically, designed to take some of the strain off of your feet by essentially putting a trampoline in the heel of your shoe. My only question is (and forgive me for possibly being nasty): why did they have to make the logo for the shoe look like a single sperm? It’s quite unsettling.

The Titanium Wallet

At last… a wallet made of solid metal! The perfect gift for the man with more money than sense!!! Or for the man who doesn't know the difference between a wallet and a money clip!

The Wrist Cell Phone Carrier

Possibly the stupidest item ever invented. God created pants pockets for a reason people[6]. If you’re incapable of carrying your cell phone by any other means than this, you probably don’t deserve to have one anyway. Also, you’re begging to be mocked and robbed by everyone you encounter.

Bigfoot the Garden Yeti Statue

Okay… this is actually kind of cool. And it would church up any yard.

FaceTrainer

I don’t know what it does exactly, but I do know that if you’re willing to wear one that you most likely deserve everything you get in life.

Well, there it is folks… several items I (and most likely you) can’t live with out. Enjoy them, and enjoy the Skymall Magazine on your next trip to visit Aunt Sally in Kansas.

Ya’ll stay classy… wherever ya’ll is…

Blakely A-dam Sumner

[1] I realize that my parents have an Internet connection, but I felt that my time was best spent with my parents. If you don’t understand, well then screw you.

[2] It’s dirtier than ever… and hot as balls.

[3] Or you could just visit http://www.skymall.com/ if you’re cheap and don’t care about the revitalization of our struggling economy.

[4] And believe me, they wanna be real nasty.

[5] You’re welcome by the way.

[6] And, contrary to popular belief, it wasn’t just so I would always have a readily available napkin.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Birthday Awesomeness

Hi there friends. Sorry I haven’t written a bloggeration in a while, but I’ve been really busy[1]. Luckily this business[2] has given me lots and lots of updates to share with you, my faithful readership[3].

For starters, I got a jobby job at long last! Starting on Tues

day, July the 6^th I will begin my new job as an Internal Communications Specialist at PG&E. For those of you who don’t live on the West coast[4], PG&E is the power provider for most of the West coast. Needless to say, I’m crazy excited about it and can’t wait to start!

In other, sadder, news – I turned 29 this week. Despite the fact that I

am now one year closer to my cold cold grave, the California branch of the family had a momentous, life changing[5], two day long celebration of the anniversary of my birth. It involved Frenchmen, hamburgers, velvet, and (purportedly) haunted mansions built by eccentric millionaires.

That’s right folks, 29 years ago on June 17^th,1981 at 10:42 I came into the world. To mark my birth, the sun went dark due to an unscheduled solar eclipse. At that same time, a two headed box turtle was born with only one head, and a man named Eustice burped. It was horrible.

Locally, we ce

lebrated the 29^th anniversary of my birth with the giving of gifts. From the parents Sumner I got seasons one and two of the “new” Doctor Who series.

And from the wife I received the gift of comic book awesomeness and hilarity, in the for of the Starman Omnibus Vol. 4 and Mystery Science Theatre 3000 vol. 17.

Truly, it was a celebration to end all celebrations. I would have been more than happy with those gifts, but my lovely wife had to take it to the next level by taking me to Hubert Keller’s Burger Bar in San Francisco.

For those of you who don’t know, Hubert Keller is a French chef who has appeared on Public Television and (some would say) more importantly Top Chef Masters where he won the title of Top Chef Master in the show’s first season. I must say, that Frenchman makes a deliciously fancy burger, and a darn tasty milkshake. He also has a delicious beard.

I'm the sexiest man alive! And I'm french!

Here’s some pictures of our food:

That's a fancy burger my friend.

A close up of the deliciousness

The missuses hamburger

A mountain of fried deliciousness that the chef threw in because he loved me (or, more liekly, because he cooked too much food).

It's probably best not to dwell on the implied caloric intake of said milkshake, and instead bask in it's radiant glory.

As if that weren’t enough, my wife then made a deliciously fattening Red Velvet Cake.

To cap off the celebration, we spent yesterday afternoon at the Winchester Mystery House in San Jose California. If you’ve never been to the mystery house, it’s fun in the way that most cheesey tourist traps are: once. They wouldn’t let you take pictures on the tour, but here’s some of the exterior shots.

The Winchester Mystery House Exterior

Another shot of the house

Me in front of the house. That's right... my shirt say "Praise the Lard"

The missus in front of the house.

In the garden of the Winchester Mystery House

All told, this was a delightful birthday, and I can only hope that your next birthday is as delightful as mine was.

Ya’ll stay classy… wherever ya’ll is…

Blakely A-dam Sumner

[1] Actually, I’ve just been lazy. So, so lazy.

[2] Once again, I haven’t necessarily been “busy” as much as I’ve been lazy. So, so lazy.

[3] Hi Mom!!!

[4] Or “Left” coast as I’ve sometimes heard it referred to.

[5] Well… life changing in the sense that every single thing you ever do changes your life somehow.