A note before I begin: I think I’ve figured out how one can comment on this artfully written bloggeration without subscribing. Please try and let me know if you can comment without subscribing (via Facebook if you can’t comment).
Hi friends. I know, it’s been a long time since I bloggerated about any of the various and sundry topics that cross my nasty mind to bloggerate about. I apologize for that, and I hope you’ll be able to forgive my many shortcomings and faults. The reason why I wasn’t able to put words to interweb lately during the past week is because I took a short trip home to visit my parents during the gap before I started my new big boy job[1].
The trip was nice, and it allowed me to see the rents while experience the vast beauty of the dirty south[2]. It also gave me multiple opportunities to do one of my favorite things of all time: peruse the Skymall Magazine for pappy crap of all types!!!
Sub-bloggeration: Hell is real place my friends, and it can be located within the bowels of the Houston George Bush International Airport. In my limited flying experience, I have never encountered an airport so difficult to navigate.
Also, there is a Devil, and he is known as Continental Airlines. They are, without a doubt, the rudest air provider of all times. Also, they felt the need to place me next to stinky teenage boys and jerkholes on all my flights. I do not support your insensitive ways, and I will never fly your unfriendly skies again.
End Sub-bloggeration
If you’ve never had the opportunity see the vast selection of items available in the Skymall Magazine, I would encourage you to take a flight somewhere just so you can see what all the hubbub is about[3]. Skymall Magazine is great because, much like Brookstone, they sell all the crap you never really needed.
Here’s a few examples of some of the stuff I found this time around:
24 Karat Gold Recordable CDs
For years, I’ve wanted to send all my friends and family members a copy of 2 Live Crew’s magnum opus As Nasty As they Wanna Be[4], but I couldn’t find anything to record a copy of the album onto that was worthy of the Crew. At with 24K gold CDs, I finally have the means to record copies of all the best albums I own to send to those I love the most[5].
Gravity Defyer Shoes
Oh Peter... That's nasty...
These shoes are, theoretically, designed to take some of the strain off of your feet by essentially putting a trampoline in the heel of your shoe. My only question is (and forgive me for possibly being nasty): why did they have to make the logo for the shoe look like a single sperm? It’s quite unsettling.
The Titanium Wallet
At last… a wallet made of solid metal! The perfect gift for the man with more money than sense!!! Or for the man who doesn't know the difference between a wallet and a money clip!
The Wrist Cell Phone Carrier
Possibly the stupidest item ever invented. God created pants pockets for a reason people[6]. If you’re incapable of carrying your cell phone by any other means than this, you probably don’t deserve to have one anyway. Also, you’re begging to be mocked and robbed by everyone you encounter.
Bigfoot the Garden Yeti Statue
Okay… this is actually kind of cool. And it would church up any yard.
FaceTrainer
I don’t know what it does exactly, but I do know that if you’re willing to wear one that you most likely deserve everything you get in life.
Well, there it is folks… several items I (and most likely you) can’t live with out. Enjoy them, and enjoy the Skymall Magazine on your next trip to visit Aunt Sally in Kansas.
Ya’ll stay classy… wherever ya’ll is…
Blakely A-dam Sumner
[1] I realize that my parents have an Internet connection, but I felt that my time was best spent with my parents. If you don’t understand, well then screw you.
[2] It’s dirtier than ever… and hot as balls.
[3] Or you could just visit http://www.skymall.com/ if you’re cheap and don’t care about the revitalization of our struggling economy.
[4] And believe me, they wanna be real nasty.
[5] You’re welcome by the way.
[6] And, contrary to popular belief, it wasn’t just so I would always have a readily available napkin.
dude... i totally don't understand the shoe logo. what was their reasoning on using a sperm?!?! was it the fact that sperm have to swim "upstream" in order to be successful?
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