Unless you’ve been living underneath a rock for the past year or so[1], you’ve probably realized that pop culture has become obsessed with two things:
draculas[2]
It's a little known fact that draculas are huge fan's of the Michael Jackson's body of work, and have to dance the Thriller dance upon first awaking from their unholy slumber each night.
And polygamy 
In the immortal words of Big Daddy Kane: Pimpin'. Ain't. Easy.
It’s nearly impossible to turn on your televisions, open a book, or visit a movie theatre without seeing a dracula or family who believes in the principal of plural marriage. Shows like True Blood and the Twilight[3]t novels and films have made draculas cooler than ever. Heck one of my favorite bands is actually named Vampire Weekend[4]. And books and shows like The 19th Wife, Big Love, and The Lonely Polygamist have made it ok to bring up polygamy at the dinner table for the first time in, well, ever[5].
Let’s face it people, draculas and polygamy are concepts that most people consider “sexy”[6], so it just makes sense that they would be experience a few fleeting moments of popularity. That being said, I’ve decided to through my name in the pot and cash-in on the bandwagon while the cashin’-in is good. I’ve come up with an idea. An idea guaranteed to make me a millionaire[7].
So I said to myself: "Self, what would happen if there was s TV program about a family of dracula polygamists?This led me to my idea: I’ve decided to created a show about band of polygamist vampires who live in the Arizona desert called Love Sucks.
The show will be about a man named D.R. Acula[8], who is living on a polygamist compound in Arizona. They were originally part of a group of traveling Mormons in the 1800’s who were attacked by a caravan of traveling draculas in the Arizona desert. D.R. and his 4 wives spend their days[9] running from Dracula-hunters and a legal system that doesn’t understand their way of life. While dodging stakes and legal persecution, they also search for people that they can convert to their blood-sucking polygamist lifestyle.
D.R. Acula will be matching wits with the sheriff of Bloodlust[10], one Sheriff Vann Helzing[11] who suspects the Acula clan of not only dabbling in polygamy, but of being unholy children of the night. The first season will be based around Halzing’s quest to find out the truth about the Acula’s. This will eventually culminate in the season finale, in which D.R. turns Halzing’s daughter into his 5th wife. DRAMA!!!
So there you have it. That’s my idea, and it’s a darn good one. And if you don’t like it, you’re just hatin’ because you didn’t think of it first!!!
Disclamer: I also feel that I should pause at this juncture to remind everyone that this bloggeration is meant to thrizzle[12], not offend. I realize that some of the things I’ve said here could be construed as offensive or culturally insensitive. I very rarely mean anything I say through this particular venue, and this is no exception. Should you find yourself offended at any point during the reading of this, do not blame me. Blame your own smallminded world view instead.
Ya’ll stay classy… wherever ya’ll is…
Blakely A-dam Sumner
[1] Or you hate popular culture, or you’re my grandmother.
[2] Or “vampires” if you are some sort of philistine who refuses to accept the fact that I insist on referring to bloodsucking creatures of the night as draculas. You’re rigid inability to accept change disgusts me, and I spit in your general direction.
[3] I’m team Jacob by the way. I don’t even know what that means, but I know that I mean it.
[4] I’m such a poser. Everyone knows Vampire Weekend stopped being cool two years ago.
[5] Important Note: I probably wouldn’t bring up polygamy at Sunday supper unless you make it completely clear that you are talking about one of the shows I mentioned above. Otherwise, your family might think that you have some desire to get freaky.
[6] Note how I used quotes around the word sexy to distance my self from the people who feel this way. I personal think bloodsuckers are gross, and don’t even get me started on polygamy. Yuck… just… yuck.
[7] And lest you get any funny ideas, I’ve already mailed a copy of my idea to myself. In polite circles this is known as a “redneck copyright”. And while the legality of this concept is often debated, it’s the method that I have chosen to safeguard my work from you vultures. So please, don’t steal my ideas.
[8] Get it, D.R. Acula? Dracula? It’s quite clever… when you think about it.
[9] Or should I say nights? Did I mention how clever I am?
[10] Did I forget to mention that the name of the town is Bloodlust?
[11] Get it? Van Helzing… Van Hellsing? I can’t help but revel in my own cleverness.
[12] thrizzle = entertain
my face has been thrizzled...
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