As I’ve mentioned before, I like to go to used bookstores every once and again to look for books. I finished the book I’d been reading early yesterday morning. Since yesterday was a holiday[1], the library was closed and I had no book.
Now, I’m the sort of man who likes to have a book in progress at all times[2]. Normally when this situation arises, I get a back from the bookshelf. However, all of our books are in storage at the moment so I was forced to head out to Half Priced Books in search of a novel to keep my mind occupied. When I got to the bookstore, I was delighted to see that they were having a Memorial Day sale and I immediately set myself to the task of finding a book to read. As I was looking through the books, I came across a copy of Brett Easton Ellis’ first novel Less than Zero.
I had no intention of buying the book, as I already own a copy. However, this edition of the book was different than the one I have, and I like to thumb through different editions of books I own to see if they have a different forward, afterward, or some other essay that might add some insight to the book[3] I might have missed. Since I’d never seen this particular printing of this book, I figured I’d look to see if there was something extra.
As I pulled the book down from the shelf, I noticed that someone had written something on the inside cover with a sharpie. Being an English major, I find it interesting to see what people see fit to right in the margins of books[4]. Of course I wanted to see what the former owner of this book felt compelled to write on the inside cover of the book, and boy was it a doozie.
Apparently this particular copy of less than zero had been a gift in its’ former life. The book was originally intended to be a gift from a boy to a girl, and the note went something like this[5]:
“Dearest Jeanine,
I can only hope that you love this book as much as I love you – although I don’t know if that would be possible.
Sincerely,
Steve”
As I put the book back on the shelf, I immediately thought three things:
- OUCH!
- Who gives a copy of Less than Zero to their girlfriend?
- OOOHH!!! DAVE EGGERS!!![6]
I suppose you’re wondering why I thought those things[7]. Well, since you asked so nicely, I’ll tell you!
Why my first thought was OUCH!
As I’ve already noted, I was in a used bookstore. Used bookstores (typically) buy and trade pre-owned books in exchange for cash or store credit. Since I found this book in a used bookstore, I can only assume that said book was originally given as an act of love. However, things must have gone sour in their relationship – forcing the girl to break up with him and sell the book she’d given him. By the nature of the note alone, and act like that has to be a heart stinger.
Poor Steve gave this woman the gift of literature. At the first sign of trouble, this heartless shrew sells Steve’s singular expression of love and sells it for three to four dollars so that jerk-holes such as myself can mock Steve’s lost love on the interweb. I’d almost feel sorry for the guy, if his note hadn’t sucked out loud.
Why my second thought was “Who gives a copy of Less than Zero to their girlfriend?
For those of you who aren’t familiar with Bret Easton Ellis’ first novel, here’s a brief description[8]:
Titled after the Elvis Costello song of the same name, the novel follows the life of Clay, a rich young college student who has returned to his hometown of Los Angeles, California for the winter break during the early 1980s. He spends much of the novel going to parties and doing drugs with his friends. During this time, he must decide whether or not he wants to restart a relationship with Blair, for whom he is uncertain about his feelings. Meanwhile, Clay has one-night stands with a few men and women on the side while his relationship with Blair goes downhill. At the same time, he attempts to renew his relationship with his best friend, Julian, who has become a prostitute and drug addict. Throughout his descent into the netherworld of the L.A. drug scene, he loses his faith in his friends, and grows alienated with the amoral party culture he once embraced. He is greatly disturbed by four events: first, his anorexic friend Muriel intravenously takes heroin whilst people watch and take photos; his friend Trent shows a snuff film at a party and only he and Blair seem to be disturbed by it; later, he is forced to sit in a chair for five hours to watch Julian sell himself to a businessman from Muncie, Indiana, in order to get money to support his heroin habit; finally, he meets friends at a concert, only to leave and not only find a dead body that everyone wants to see. Once again, his friends are attracted to it. Eventually, these events lead him to leave Los Angeles, possibly intending never to return.
If the description of the book alone isn’t enough to explain why giving this book to a girlfriend, allow me to elucidate further. Giving this book sends the following message to your loved one:
Dearest _______[9],
I want to cheat on you with a cornucopia of chicks and dudes, while partaking in a bevy of hard drugs. Also, I don’t like any of your friends, but I’m too ashamed too tell you. Eventually I’m going to leave you, and it’s all California’s fault.
Yours truly,
John Q. Jerkface
Seriously, this isn’t the “feel good book” of the year people. By giving this book as a gift, this fool was essentially[10] comparing his love affair to the reprehensible actions taken by the characters in the novel. Furthermore, the nature of the note leads me to believe that these two hadn’t been dating for a long time. The phrase “I hope you love this book as much as I love you” implies that they hadn’t been dating for an extended period of time. If they had been dating for a while, he’d most likely know her tastes a bit better, and wouldn’t need to preface the sentence by saying “I hope”. This lapse in judgment led the relationship to take a downturn and, before Steve knew it, he was single again and Jeanine was selling all the books[11] he’d given her[12].
So, what’s the moral here? Simple: If you give your lady[13] a book, make sure that you:
a.) Know what kinds of book she likes
b.) Don’t write a note in the inside front cover, in case your paramour should decide to sell your gift of love in the future
c.) For the love of Bob, make sure that the book has some kind of redeeming value
On second thought, don’t give your significant other a book, unless she specifically asks for a particular book.
Ya’ll stay classy… wherever ya’ll is…
Blakely A-dam Sumner
[1] Thanks for fighting for my freedom troops!
[2] I get all fidgety if I don’t.
[3] I’m a goober.
[4] Once again, I’m a goober.
[5] I had to paraphrase a bit, but the flavor of the note remains intact.
[6] I’m easily distracted.
[7] Except for thought three, that one is fairly easily explained.
[8] Thanks Again Wikipedia! You’ve made it so I never have to buy a dictionary again!!!
[9] Fill in the blank
[10] In a round about way, of course.
[11] Sidebar: if he gave her this book, I would absolutely love to see what other books he gave her.
[12] Much to my delight.
[13] Or man.
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