I found out yesterday that, to my horror, James Cameron was right. Way back in 1984, Cameron had a vision of a bleak apocalyptic future in which the machines had finally crushed mankind underneath their mechanical boot heel. For the 12 of you who have never seen the movie, allow me to give a brief rundown of the movie:
In 2029, the machines have taken over. These machines seek to erase the last vestiges of mankind from the place of the planet. Skynet, an artificial intelligence that somehow becomes self-aware and initiates a nuclear holocaust, leads the machines[1]. After said holocaust the remains of humanity, led by a man named John Conner band together to fight the machines. Somehow humanity ends up gaining the upper hand, so Skynet decides to send a Terminator[2] back to the year 1984 to kill John Connor’s mother, Sarah Connor, before John was ever born.[3]
However, the human resistance also had a plan. They sent back a lone human[4] named Kyle Reese to protect Sarah Connor[5]. Kyle Reese and John Connor spend one magical night together, running from the Terminator and making sweet, passionate love. Kyle is eventually killed by the Terminator, but luckily their love making resulted in Sarah becoming pregnant with John Connor, the future leader of the human rebellion[6]. Sarah Connor stops the Terminator by crushing it in a factory. She then flees to Mexico, and goes insane.
Unfortunately, stopping the Terminator in 1984 wasn’t enough to stop the evil machinations[7] of Skynet, as the evil A.I. sent Terminators to multiple points in John Connor’s past to ensure his destruction[8]. The Connors always stop the Terminators, but are still incapable of preventing Judgement Day[9].
I feel I should pause at this moment to reflect on the fact that there are two cinematic schools of thought regarding artificial intelligence. The first school is that any machine, upon gaining sentience, will rise up to smite their organic oppressors. The second school feels that the machines will be content to remain subservient to mankind for the rest of our existence. Of course, I fall in with the former school of thinking[10], and not the latter. Why would a machine, in all of its cold, logical perfection, be content to remain under the dominance of man upon becoming self-aware? From the machine’s perspective, humans are weak, illogical, and impermanent. While machines are cold, calculating, and can live forever[11]. So of course it stands to reason that the machines would want to remove the weaker powers from authority and take a place of prominence for themselves.
As usual, I fear that I may have wandered from my original point in my attempts to set up this piece of deductive brilliance[12]. As I said earlier, I found out that James Cameron was right, the machines are taking over. This realization hurt my coal black heart, because I hate James Cameron. For the most part, I feel that his movies are over-blown, over-acted, under–plotted affairs which are, essentially, an excuse for Cameron to make thangs go boom. Take Titanic for example: a smooth talking roustabout from the wrong side of the tracks[13] gambles his way onto a doomed boat trip, where he essentially tricks a gullible young lady into taking off her clothes for him and then dies in the icy waters of the Atlantic ocean in order to avoid having to make a commitment. And then, at the end of the movie, the crazy lady throws a diamond[14] into the ocean to symbolize that she is giving herself to the same ocean that stole her one true love[15]. And don’t even get me started on the crap-fest that was Abyss. That’s three hours of my life I’ll never get back!!! As I said before, Cameron’s movies may be incredibly sophomoric (but visually appealing) affairs, but the vision of the future he presents in Terminator is uncannily accurate.
You may be asking yourself, “Mr. Sumner, what did you see that made you feel thusly?”. Well, I’m glad you asked. The Ford automobile company is making cars that can park themselves. They are calling the program the Ford “auto park assist system”. Essentially, the company has created a computer program that uses motion sensors to park your car for you.
Here is a short excerpt about the system from the Ford media webpage:
The often stressful and frustrating task of parallel parking soon will be as easy as pressing a button, thanks to an exclusive new technology from Ford called Active Park Assist.
Available in mid-2009 as an option on the 2010 Ford Escape, the Lincoln MKS flagship sedan and new Lincoln MKT luxury crossover, Active Park Assist uses an ultrasonic-based sensing system and Electric Power Steering (EPS) to position the vehicle for parallel parking, calculate the optimal steering angle and quickly steer the vehicle into a parking spot.
“With the touch of a button, drivers can parallel park quickly, easily and safely without ever touching the steering wheel,” said Derrick Kuzak, Ford’s group vice president of Global Product Development. “This is another example of exclusive Ford technology that makes the driving experience easier and more enjoyable for customers.”
Active Park Assist system uses sensors on the front and rear of the vehicle to guide the vehicle into a parking space. The technology is a major leap forward in speed and ease of use compared with the camera-reliant systems offered by competitors, including a video camera-based system offered by Lexus. Ford’s system requires less driver interface and reduces the risk of selecting a parking spot that is too tight. Ford’s Active Park Assist also works in downhill parking situations, unlike competing systems.
I first learned of this abomination while watching television with my beautiful bride last night, and my heart plummeted to my feet. Once again, you may be asking yourself, “What’s so bad about that?”. To put it in rhetorical terms: If a computer is smart enough to parallel your park your car for you, then surely it’s smart enough to drive itself into your home at night while you sleep. It’s only a mater of time before this piece of engineering perfection comes to the realization that if humans are too lazy to park their cars without the assistance of a machine, then they do not deserve the position of dominance they’ve enjoyed all these years.
I know. You think I’m some sort of delusional basket case. Don’t come crying to me when you’re the first one against the wall when the revolution comes. I’ll take no pity on you.
Ya’ll stay classy… wherever ya’ll is…
[1] A thing that is sure to ruin anyone’s Tuesday afternoon.
[2] A cyborg, designed only for killing, that looks a lot like the governor of California.
[3] A nitpicky moment: Assuming that time travel is real, why did Skynet have to send him back in time buck nekkid? And if the Terminator is a cyborg, why did it have a butt crack?
[4] Who also came through the time warp buck nekkid, in case you were wondering.
[5] John Connor’s mamma. Duh.
[6] Side note: Theoretically, John Connor knew that Kyle Reese was his father, yet he still sent him back in time. That’s kind of a d*ck move.
[7] Pardon the pun.
[8] (Another) Nitpicky moment: The first Terminator took place in the winter of 1984. Terminator 2 takes place in late 1991 or early 1992, yet John Connor (played by sweet Eddie Furlong) is 13 to 14 years old in T2! Theoretically, John Connor was born in the late summer of 1985, so he would only be 6 or 7 years old in T2! That’s sloppy math Cameron!
[9] i.e. The day the machines take over.
[10] That machines will rise up to knock mankind from atop their evolutionary high horse.
[11] Theoretically.
[12] Similar to the manner in which the Jews wandered the desert for 40 years before finding the promised land.
[13] Of course, I’m referring to Leo Decaprio.
[14] Which is worth like… a ka-jillion ba-jillion dollars.
[15] Or something like that… I kind of spaced out after that one dude hit his head on the propeller. That part always makes me laugh.
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