What do you think?

I think my mother-in-law’s neighbor is the leader of a cult. I realize that it’s dangerous to make accusations such as this[1] as accusations such as this can irreparably ruin a person’s reputation. However, I still believe to be true though, and I can prove it.

For the past two weeks, a pair of longhaired twenty-somethings working in her back yard. I believe that these two young men are her acolytes. As you probably know, cults often prey on young loners, because these youngsters are often looking for a place where they feel as if they belong. These youngsters[2] are the perfect victims for the machinations of a diabolical cult, willing to do the bidding of the insidious leader.[3] As time goes on, the cult becomes a sort of family for the youngster, with the head of the cult acting as a parent figure for the youths. Over time, these impressionable young minds become so enraptured with their newfound sense of belonging that they feel as that they would do anything for their leader.

I understand that there are those who would say that these men aren’t members of a cult at all, but are more likely hired day laborers there for nothing more insidious than to earn some beer money. If you believe this, I’ve got some swampland in Florida I’d like to sell you. I understand that the presence of strange, slightly stinky, white men who are willing to perform menial labor aren’t necessarily indicative of a cult. I’d be happy to believe she wasn’t some sort of evil puppet master, if it weren’t for the other signs!

This woman has strange iron statuary in her back yard. Some might say that this iron statuary is, in fact, merely a series of rods meant to support trees and other plant life as it grows. I would be content to believe this, but I’ve never seen support rods like this before.[4] I can only assume that these iron statues are graven images, which they worship before committing their unholy acts[5] of hedonism.

I also suspect that this woman and her followers are also guilty of practicing witchcraft[6]. One evening I saw her mowing her front lawn, but there was no one pushing the lawn mower! This woman must have made a pact with a demon to make it so that her lawn mower ran by itself[7].

Lastly, there is the woman herself. She is a dirt-foot hippy. One of these people who wants to live “off the grid”. She has installed solar panels on her roof so that she doesn’t have to pay money to the power company, and she grows all of her own food. Do you know who else did things like that? David Koresh.[8]

So here we are. Is this woman a demented mastermind, leading the youth of California astray? Or merely a simple environmentalist? We may never know…

Ya’ll stay classy… wherever ya’ll is…

Blakely A-dam Sumner

Note: As always, this blog is meant to be a place of humor. I didn't mean a single word I just said. Please, do not call any sort of watchdog agencies, as I do not want this woman to be attacked by tank wielding Government agencies.

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[1] Especially if this woman really does lead a cult. She could send her brainwashed followers to kill me in my sleep.

[2] Who, it should be noted, are carbon copies of Jason Mewes.

[3] In this case, yard work and other menial chores such as installing a fence.

[4] To paint a picture, these rods look like the sort of stereotypical teepee frame you might see in a bad western.

[5] Which have, to date, consisted of building a new fence in her back yard. What is this woman trying to hide???

[6] And I don’t mean the “Harry Potter” kind of witchcraft either.

[7] Or she bought one of those new fangled robot lawn mowers. Either way…

[8] Along with an ever-growing group of people dedicated to giving something back to our planet, instead of just taking.