What's wrong with America?

Today, while watching Attack of the Show[1], I saw a video clip from a news station in San Antonio about a group of teenagers calling themselves the “wolf pack”. Apparently, this “wolf pack” is a group of teenaged hoodlums who want to move beyond being merely a “goth kid”[2]. These young men and women feel that it isn’t enough to never venture into the sunlight and spend their days listening to the Cure and Bauhaus. No, these whipper-snappers have got to take it so the next level, by attaching clip-on wolf tails on the back of their jeans.

That’s right. I said they clip faux wolf tails to their jeans.

I can sense you’re confused, and I don’t blame you really. Take a few moments to watch this video I pulled from the KENS 5 website, and what I’m talking about might just make sense. I should warn you though, this is going to be a rant and I don’t mean just any rant. We’re talking about a Louis Black style rant, where I could likely have a heart attack at any time during the course of said rant. It might not make sense, but it (might) be fun to watch.

This video is, in a nutshell, proof of what’s wrong with America. First off, why is this channel wasting time with a soft news story such as this[3], when they could be reporting on the giant freaking oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. Secondly[4], why are these lame-o kids making the prospect of being a wolf sound about as fun as being kicked in the gnads for 30 plus minutes while a German woman reads portions of Milton’s Paradise Lost in broken Cantonese?

I’m reminded that there was a time when being a teen wolf was a fun thing. There was an era when movies (starring Michael J. Fox[5]) used stories of people with awesome transformative powers to do important things, such as winning basketball games. These stories were also important because they had a moral as well. At the end of Teen Wolf, M.J. decides not to use his awesome wolf powers to win the basketball game, and instead decides to win the basketball game “himself”[6].

These kids, on the other hand, only care about walking around trying to look like freaks[7]. My personal favorite quote of the entire segment is when the one goth chick[8] says:

“We’re not a gang at all. Like… gangs are pousers. They just want attention. That’s why they go on tags and stuff. The pack… we’re a family. Like… we go to each other with our problems.”

Does this girl really thing that people in gangs are “posing”, and that all the do is go out at night to spray pain walls? If that’s the case, she’s clearly never run with the Latin Kings before.

I guess when it comes down to it, the biggest problem that I have with it is that these nutbars are, essentially, really heavy into cosplay[9]… but they don’t want to admit it. These kids aren’t about style, or family, they just want to freak their parents out and look goofy in the process. It wasn’t this way in my day[10] though. Back in me day, we were content to wear baggy pants (so baggy that one could use said pants as a tent, should the need arise), wallets with chains that hung nearly down to the ground, and the occasional nail polish[11] on our fingernails.

Here’s the main point of my rant to all you kids who like to dress like wolves: you look stupid. You’ve read too much Twilight, and that makes you think that the world loves an outcast. No one takes you seriously, and they don’t believe that you’re a family. Get a tan, burn your Smiths albums, and cheer the blank up. Most importantly, just do you. Not anyone else, just you. You’ll thank me once you actually start going on dates.

And San Antonio[12], pay attention to news stories that matter and not a bunch of crazy kids.

Ya’ll stay classy… wherever ya’ll is…

Blakely A-dam Sumner

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[1] Yes, I watch G4TV. I’m… I’m so ashamed.

[2] For those wondering, goths are people who are part of a contemporary subculture found in many countries. It began in the United Kingdom during the early 1980s in the “gothic” rock scene, an offshoot of the Post-punk genre. The goth subculture has survived much longer than others of the same era, and has continued to diversify. Its imagery and cultural proclivities indicate influences from nineteenth century Gothic literature along with horror films and to a lesser extent the BDSM culture.

[3] Typically reserved for the last 2 minutes of a news station’s morning show, focusing on “the lighter side” of news.

[4] And thus, less importantly.

[5] And Jason Bateman, to a lesser extent.

[6] The moral? People will always like you best, and you will always be your best, when you’re yourself. Or something like that.

[7] Which, from what I understand about life in Texas, is about as hard as choosing not to wear cowboy boots and ride bulls.

[8] Who looks like what would’ve happened if Molly Ringwald and Bella Lagosi had a baby.

[9] For those of you who aren’t freaky, cosplay is when people like to dress up like imaginary creatures or fictional characters before they have sexy time. It’s weird, but it’s not my place to judge the freaky ways of those around me.

[10] God I’m old.

[11] But you had to hide that from your parents, lest they think you contracted ‘the gay’.

[12] And news outlets the world over, for that matter.