My Magical Musical Time Machine - Pt. 1

I know most of you don’t know this, but I have a time machine that plays music.[1] I also own a dinosaur that knows words, but that’s not what we’re here to talk about.[2] With this mythical time machine I can go back to the golden age of music known as the 1990s. Most of you probably don’t know this, but the 1990s was a particularly fine era for music, particularly in the genre of rap music. I can tell by the look of disbelief on your face and your skeptical silence that you don’t believe me.[3] Since you don’t believe me, I have no other alternative that to prove it to you. Luckily, my time machine[4], has an extra seat, so let’s get started[5]!!!

I was going to do this as one giant post, but it took longer than I thought it would to find the videos, so it’ll be a two part series.

A Word of Warning!!!

I really really really really really tried hard to find edited versions of these songs, because some of them are a bit… ribald. I think I did a good job of find them, but I can’t be %100 certain. That being said, you press play on these videos at your own risk!!!

1990 – Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice

Don’t hate. If you’re between the ages of 224 and 34, you know you’ve rocked this song in your bed room, car, or after-school social get-together. The hook just can’t be stopped.[6]

1991 – Me So Horny by 2 Live Crew

Warning: This song is, in fact, straight nasty! I wouldn’t recommend playing it unless you’re a straight up freak! If you press play don’t blame anyone but me! I think it’s edited!

Ok. In all fairness, this song is utterly ridiculous, and if it weren’t for Al Gore’s wife, it probably never would have been popular.[7] However, this album does have a place in my heart because the Crew decided to name their album “As Nasty as they Wanna Be!”. For some reason, this makes me laugh every time I hear it, so it gets an honorable mention from me.

1992 – Nuthin’ but a ‘G’ Thang by Dr. Dre and Snoop Doggy Dogg

It’s like that, and like this, and like that, and… uh. If you don’t like this song, you’re probably a honkey.[8]

1993 – Flip Fantasia by US3

I like to call this genre of song “Mom Rap”, because it’s the sort of rap that Mom’s dig. It’s clean, and mostly jazz based. It’s still awesome though because of the guy who yells “FAUNKY FAUNKY”. He cracks me up.

1994 – I Wish by Skee Lo

I like this song. Screw You. And I really did get hit with a bible and put in the hospital for talking that mess.[9]

BONUS 1994!!!

Big Poppa

I had to pick another 94 song, for the people who claim that Skee Lo wasn’t a rapper.[10] To this day, people still debate whether 2 Pac or Biggie was the better rapper. Personally I’ve always felt that Biggie was the better rapper. What can I say? I’m a laid back cat, who preferred Poppa’s more laid back East Coast rhymes.[11]

If you still have any doubts, please allow the second verse to change your mind:

Straight up honey really I'm askin

Most of these brothers think they be mackin but they be actin

Who they attractin with that line, "What's your name? what's your sign?"

Soon as he buy that wine I just creep up from behind

And ask what your interests are, who you be with

Things to make you smile, what numbers to dial

You gon' be here for a while? I'm gon' go call my crew

You go call your crew

We can rendezvous at the bar around two

Plans to leave, throw the keys to Lil Cease

Pull the truck up, front, and roll up the next blunt

So we can steam on the way to the telly go fill my belly

A t-bone steak, cheese eggs and Welch's grape

Conversate for a few, cause in a few, we gon' do

What we came to do, ain't that right boo [truuuueee]

Forget the telly we just go to the crib

and watch a movie in the jacuzzi

It’s a great song. But Skee Lo is still better.

1995 – Gangsters Paradise by Coolio

Ah Coolio. This was Coolio’s[12] ode to the inner city struggle. I don’t even know really where to start with this song. There’s just so much awesomeness[13] to behold in this video that I think I need to start at the beginning of the video and point them out as they happen.

1. Why is there a weight bench in the middle of a school hallway?
2. We learn a lot about Coolio himself in this song:
1. Even his momma thinks tha his mind is gone (0:37 seconds into the song)
2. He ain’t ever crossed a man that didn’t deserve it (0:39 seconds into the song)
3. He hates to trip, but he’s gotta (0:51 seconds)
4. He’s the kind of ‘G’ the little homies wanna be like[14] (0:58 seconds)
5. He’s an educated fool, with money on his mind (1:41 seconds)
6. He’s a low down gangsta set trippin banger[15] (1:45)
7. They say he’s got to learn, but nobodies here to teach him. (2:52)
8. If they can’t understand him, how will they reach him? (2:56)

3. Why is the guy singing the hook so sweaty?
4. At approximately the 2 minute and 9 second mark, Coolio blows smoke into Michelle Pfeifer’s face… and the shot rapidly changes to the sweaty guy… and smoke is blowing into his face too! That’s good cinematography!
5. Coolio and Pfeifer spend a lot of time getting lost in each others eyes.
6. At the end of the video, a boy dressed like Coolio approaches, wearing sunglasses. Coolio takes them off, as if to symbolize that he shant abide another generation like his.

There you have it folks. Auditory proof that the 1990s was the best time to listen to rap music! Be sure to tune in for part two, b/c it’ll be even zanier!

(Another) BONUS 1994 VIDEO!!!

It was a clear black white… a clear white moon. This song just makes magic happen.

Ya’ll stay classy… wherever ya’ll is…

Blakely A-dam Sumner

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[1] And by “time machine” I mean that an internet connection which has access to youtube.

[2] That’s a thesaurus joke.

[3] That’s right, I can see what you’re doing right now. Pervert.

[4] A.K.A. that an internet connection which has access to youtube

[5] One year at a time!

[6] It’s my understanding that the state of Nebraska once tried to stop the hook, but was unsuccessfull.

[7] Click Here to learn more. Thanks Wikipedia!

[8] That’s right. I called you a honkey. I can say that though, b/c I’m a honkey myself.

[9] No… not really.

[10] Haters

[11] Please don’t kill me Suge Knight.

[12] Before this, Coolio was most known for writing“Fantastic Voyage” style party songs.

[13] And by Awesome, I do mean ridiculous.

[14] Of course, this last statement is up for debate. I’ve spoken with many little homies, and have yet to have one tell me that they want to be like coolio when they grow up.

[15] I don’t even know what that means, but I know that he means it.