My Magical Musical Time Machine - Pt. 2

Yesterday, I posted part one of a list of the greatest rap songs of the 1990s.[1] It took a lot longer to find “clean”[2] videos of the songs to post than I thought it would, so I had to break the post in half. I promised to bring you part two as soon as possible, and we all know that I’m a man of my word[3], so after I finish with my introduction, we’ll get down to what you all came here for: dope beats.[4]

As I said yesterday, I’m the proud owner of a “time machine”[5] that allows me to go back in time and watch my favorite music videos. I particularly love to listen to 90s rap songs. In my humble opinion, they are the single greatest achievement of the 20^th century[6].

Since this is my only forum for expressing my opinion on such weighty matters[7], I decided to list the ten greatest rap songs of the 1990s. Here’s the first half of the list, in case you it, and are too lazy to actually read it.

1990 – Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice

1991 – Me So Horny by 2 Live Crew

1992 – Nothin’ but a ‘G’ Thang by Dr. Dre featuring Snoop Dogg

1993 – Cantaloop (Flip Fantasia) by US3

1994 – I Wish by Skee Lo

1995 – Gangstas Paradise by Coolio

But, before we continue:

A (Repeated) Word of Warning!!!

I really really really really really tried hard to find edited versions of these songs, because some of them are a bit… ribald. I think I did a good job of find them, but I can’t be %100 certain. That being said, you press play on these videos at your own risk!!!

1996 – California Love by 2Pac Shakur

This song was 2Pac’s ode to his home. It was one half Mad Max Beyond Thunder Dome and one half bangin’ club anthem. And it was absolutely perfect. Some other things one should notice about this video is that it also features a pre-Rush Hour Chris Tucker and a subtle use of auto tuning technology long before T-Pain ever thought about it, and long after Peter Frampton did it.[8] You can’t not like this song. If you do, you’re some sort of philistine.

1997 – Da Rain (Supa Dupa Fly) by Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliot.

Note: I couldn’t find a version of the video on you tube that hadn’t disabled their embedding capabilities, so I posted the link to the video here, as well as an embedded copy of the song below.

Whenever I hear this song, I’m pretty sure Joni Mitchell is somewhere spinning in her grave.[9] As I said above, one really has to watch this video to really appreciate this song fully. I love the inflated trash bags and diamond studded Oakley sunglasses that Missy sports in the video. They are spectacular. It also features Elliot driving to the beach in an H1 Hummer[10], which is pretty schweet. The real high light of the song though, is Timbaland’s production. He’s always done better as a producer than a rapper, and he shows exactly why here.

1998 – TWO WAY TIE!!!

Still Not a Player by Big Punisher feat. Fat Joe

Anyone who knows me knows that I love this song, because it is almost as ridiculous as Me So Horny. I’ve always enjoyed the irony of the fact that Big Pun (repeatedly) feels the need to inform everyone within earshot that one that he’s “not a player… (he) just crushes… a lot.”[11] There are so many great one-liners in this song[12], but I do have two favorites. My first one is at the 2:07 mark, when a ladies voice says “You nasty, twin”, and the only response that pun has to that is “I don’t care.” For some reason that cracks me up. I also love the part at about the 3:05 mark where a singer proclaims that there’ll be “no more running with an entourage, unless it’s Pun and the terror squad.” I also have never wanted to roll with an entourage, but I would roll with the terror squad in a heartbeat.

I also find the sight of a 350 plus pound man on a Vespa scooter hilarious.[13]

Can I get a… by Jay-Z feat. Amil & Jah Rule

Ah, H.O.V.A. If you were ever in Douglas Ga, in 1998 or 1999, and you passed a jet black Chevy S-10 blasting then song through a pair of crappily installed Rockford Fosgate speakers, odds are that was me. All I can really say is that this song was awesome. I still know the entire first verse by heart, and it features the rhyming of a young Jah Rule[14]

1999 – Back that Thang Up by Juvenile

Sometimes it’s just better to let the work of the artist speak for itself.

So… there you have. Ten songs that irrefutably prove that the 1990s produced the greatest rap songs of all times[15]

BONUS SONGS THAT DIDN’T QUITE MAKE THE CUT[16]

Just a Friend by Biz Markie

Mo’ Money… Mo’ Problems by Notorious B.I.G. feat. Mace and Puff Daddy

If I Ruled the World by Na$ feat. Lauren Hill

Hard Knock Life by Jay Z

Hate Me Now by Na$ feat Puff Daddy

Rosa Parks by Outkast

I said I wouldn’t add any commentary, but I love the fact that it looks like they made this video at Six Flags over Georgia.

You Got Me by The Roots feat Erykah Badu

Ya’ll Stay Classy… Wherever Ya’ll Is…

Blakely A-Dam Sumner

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[1] Of course, the phrase “the best” is completely open to debate.

[2] i.e. devoid of all that cussin’

[3] Usually

[4] I realize that not all of you came here for dope beats. If you are in this small minority, please, come back tomorrow. I’m sure things will be back to normal tomorrow.

[5] Not really. I just like to go online sometimes and watch music videos of songs I’m too cheap to download. It makes me feel fancy.

[6] After the polio vaccine, the airplane, and winning World War 2.

[7] And because I love to make lists of things that no one else cares about.What

[8] Sidebar: T-Pain is the worst rapper of all time, and “I’m on a boat” is not funny. There. I said it. You can hate me if you want, but you can’t stop the way I feel.

[9] Joni Mitchell is dead… right?

[10] This was long before Hummer’s were as common as they were circa 2004

[11] The irony being that a morbidly obese man such as Big Punisher would literally crush every one he attempted to seduce. Yes. I find that funny. I’m a horrible person.

[12] Which my own common decency prevents me from uttering in mixed company.

[13] What??? I’ve already said I’m a horrible person.

[14] Before he became a complete joke. He was awesome in “The Fast and the Furious” though.

[15] And by “greatest songs of all times” I, of course, am referring to the sheer ridiculousness of all these songs.

[16] Without commentary from the author.