Naming Conventions

It’s no secret that I have an odd habit of naming objects[1] in a manner that most folks would consider a trifle unusual. I suppose that this naming convention comes from the fact that I like to keep people on their toes, so as I feel as if I hold the upper hand in any conversation[2].

My naming convention typically involves me taking a person, place, or thing and referring to it by the stereotypical name that that thing is most commonly associated with. For example, the most famous vampire of all times is, arguably[3], Count Dracula. By default, I refer to all vampires as ‘draculas’[4]. If you and I were to have a conversation about the various means of protecting your house from the foul machinations of vampires, I would say, “A dracula can only be killed with Holy Water, garlic, or a stake through the heart. Also, never invite a dracula into your home[5]!”

Get this fella a bib! We got a messy eater!!!

In this manner, I get to feel a miniscule amount of intellectual superiority to the person I’m having the conversation with because the look of confusion on their faces tells me that they are not as familiar with popular culture as me, and that they are incapable of inferring the meaning of a word via context[6].

I do this with all sorts of things and, since I like you, I thought I’d share a few of my most commonly used naming conventions, and how I would typically use them in a conversation:

1.) merlins = wizards

Typical usage: It’s complicated being a merlin, especially a male merlin. A merlin’s beard is often quite long and flowey, which can prove problematic when the merlin encounters an escalator or revolving door. The merlin is also forced to wear long robes, which make him feel like less of a man. Finally, merlins constantly have to do battles with a wide assortment of evil that could potentially threaten life on Earth as we know it. This can often lead a merlin to find relief in substance abuse, hard liquor, and easy women.

I never realized it until now, but notorious historical figure Rasputin was most likely a merlin.

2.) caspers, jacob marleys, bloody marys = ghosts

Has anyone ever noticed how much I look like Richie Rich???

If you ever see me in your house, it's because I'm trying to help you over come your miserly ways, not drag you to hell's firey pits.

I, on the other hand, only want to drag you to your eternal damnation.

I feel that I should pause for a moment and explain why I use three different words to describe ghosts. Ghosts often have a wide variety of intentions[7], so I have decided to come up with a name for ghost’s specific intention. Caspers are ghosts with friendly intentions. Jacob marleys are ghosts who have friendly intentions, but still scare the crap out of you. Finally, bloody marys are ghosts who want to hurt you.

Typical usage: The first time I saw The Sixth Sense, I had no idea that we’d find out that Bruce Willis was a casper the whole time (spoiler alert, by the way). At first, I thought it was a movie about a bunch of bloody marys who were trying to scare that delightful little tow haired youth, but it turned out that Willis was a casper who just wanted Haley Joel to help him get to heaven. It’s a good thing that Willis wasn’t a jacob marley, or I really would have hated that movie.

3.) screech powers = nerds

Kids can be so cruel.

Typical Usage: I can’t believe that he asked her to the prom. He’s such a screech!

4.) tony sopranos = mafiosos

NO NO SENOR! TOO SEXY! TOO SEXY!!! Crap... now I've pissed off the mafia.

Typical Usage: I would never recommend taking borrowing money from a tony soprano, as they tend to break a man’s legs if he doesn’t pay in a forthright manner.

black beards = pirates

You probably expected me to make some sort of "booty" joke here. Well I won't give you the satisfaction!

Typical Usage: Goonies is about a bunch of screeches who are on the run from a family of tony sopranos, and accidentally find a black beard’s treasure[8]!

Well, I’m certain that there are others things that I've elected to name to confusingly, but I'm darned if I can think of them right now. Hope you enjoyed the list! If not, ya cut me. Ya cut me deep.

Ya’ll stay classy… wherever ya’ll is…

Blakely A-dam Sumner

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[1] Usually these objects are mythical creatures, but not always

[2] My self-esteem is low, and I like to feel good however I can. Don’t judge me. Jerk.

[3] I’d like to apologize to anyone who is on Team Edward, Dracula is more famous than those wimpy vampires from the Twilight novels.

[4] Note how I capitalize dracula, because I am now using the word dracula to refer to all vampires.

[5] I once invited a dracula into my home. The blasted thing ate all my push pops and deleted the episode of “Who’s the Boss?” I’d DVRed. Now I’ll never know who the boss really was…

[6] The little things in life give me pleasure.

[7] And that intention is very rarely ever to ask the farmer’s daughter to the local box social.

[8] You like how I used a variety of naming conventions in one sentence. I’m the bomb. Ka-boom.