The Application Process

As I mentioned yesterday, me and the missus will soon be moving from sunny Flow-dye-ah-duh to the (arguably equally) sunny Kal-aye-four-nay-yuh. That being said, we’re now in the process of cleaning up shop and getting everything ready for our move. We’ve got several things to take care of, such as moving our cars, furniture, shutting off our utilities, trying to set up a final walk through with your landlord, etc..

However, there are a lot of things that people don’t think about. For example: some of you might not know this, but I am the King of Clermont. Mind you, it’s not a glamorous job, and you don’t have any actual power over the town elders and other governing bodies. In fact, should you ever go to a city council meeting and try to flex your regal muscle, be prepared to be baker acted. It’s really more of a figurehead role, which no one knows or cares about.

That being said, you may be asking yourself: Why does Clermont have a king, and who decided that you should be said king. The answer to the first part of that question is: Nobody likes a negative Nelly. The answer to the second part of the question is: I applied to be the king of course! And now that my reign of terror is at an end, I find it my duty to appoint a new king (or queen), in my place.

To help cull out the good candidates from the bad candidates, I will be hosting interviews at the abandoned Bob Evans on 192 next Thursday from 3:00 to 6:00 p.m. If you feel that you are a likely candidate, please e mail me at theking@kingoclermont.com and I will send you an application.

To help get the creative juices a-flowing, I’ve pasted a copy of the application I filled out when I interviewed for the throne, lo’ these many years ago.

Name
Name (First, Middle, Last)
Blake A-Dam Sumner

Known Aliases:
Roy L. Tee
Tom Van American
The Ambassador of Awesome
Rich Business
Ms. Jackson (If you’re Nasty)

Other Information
Have you been an employee of this organization in the past?
Are you asking me if I’ve ever been the king of Clermont before? B/c if so, the answer is no. I was once the Arch Duke of Huffer Ga., but that ended poorly due to an unfortunate incident at the Dairy Queen.

Questions

How did you find out about this position?

Well, the old king posted an ad in the back of an issue of Highlights magazine. I’d just gotten done with that Month’s match game, when I saw the add and figured I’d give it a whirl.

Why do you want to be the king of Clermont?
First… you get zee money… zeen… you get zee power… zeen… you get… zee women!

What do you know about Clermont?

Here’s a list of what I know about in Clermont, in no certain order:
1.) There is a shocking lack of Renaissance Festivals. If appointed king, I plan to change this.
2.) They have not perfected time travel.
3.) Orange groves. Lots of Orange groves.
4.) Ditto for Hills
5.) It is, to my limited understanding, the wakeboarding capital of the world.

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you were the “king” of something else?

No, but I was the ghost writer of the 1990 pop power ballad “The King of Wishful Thinking”, as made famous by the band Go West. Mind you… this isn’t something I’m proud of… but I still did it.

In hindsight… maybe I should be proud of that song, considering that I was only 9 years old when I wrote and recorded it.

What skills do you have that would make you the ideal fit for this position?
1.) An iron fist with which to rule over the people
2.) The ability to instill terror
3.) I know the entire script of pee wee’s big adventure by heart
4.) A paranoia that ensures the kingdom will be at war with Polk County for the Duration of my reign
5.) I’ve already written my memoirs. The tentative title is: 28 years of Hustlin’, most of them “Hustle Free” . Or: How I helped the lot lizards get their groove back.” It’s a glorious 2,000 page tome detailing my early struggles as a middle aged white child in south Georgia who builds a robot that accidently freezes Niagra Falls. It’s… kind of a love story.
6.) I do my own laundry
7.) I enjoy long walks on the beach, romantic candle light dinners, snuggling, watching Grey’s Anatomy, and the music of Porter Wagner
8.) I can make a list like no one’s business
9.) If this whole king thing doesn’t pan out, I’ve got my love of taxidermy to fall back on
10.) I’m easy on the eyes, but hard on the ears
11.) I am willing to grow a moustache if necessary

If appointed, you will be responsible for finding a new city anthem . What are your initial thoughts on the matter?

Wow… that’s a great question. It’s hard to say, but if pressed I’d say these my initial choices, as well as my reasoning:
1.) In da club – 50 Cent: I believe this lyric says it: they can hate, but if they hate, just let em’ hate and watch the money pile up
2.) Thug Holiday – Trick Daddy: Trick luv da kids, and Blake luv dis song
3.) Elvira – The Oak Ridge Boys: I think the Boys need the money.
4.) Just Dance – Lady Ga Ga: What can I say? I heart me the GAH GAH
What’s the most important advice you’ve ever been given?
Don’t whiz on the electric fence.

What’s the first thing you’ll do if elected?

This question bothers me, because King’s can’t technically be elected. So, no matter how I answer, it’s kind of a moot point because anything I would do upon being elected would not matter b/c kings are not elected, they are born.

To answer your question though: I’d buy a yacht. And a copy of Motley Crues “Shout at the Devil” on cassette tape.

Once again, all intersted parties please meet me at the Bob Evans on 192 next wednesday. It'll be wild!!!