I Don't Wanna Be a Player No More: The e-mail signature conundrum

The company that I work for utilizes Microsoft Outlook as our primary email server. One of the (theoretically) nifty features of using outlook is that you can utilize an "email signature" in your emails. For those unfamiliar with Outlook and it's various intricacies, the email signature is a blurb that one can have automatically added to the bottom of any and all emails you send. It's intended purpose is to allow someone to put in their name, contact information, office location, and job easily without having to re-type it every time.

Like most things in this crazy world of ours, this feature was created for good but has been manipulated and re-purposed for evil. What was meant to be a time saver is now viewed as some sort of a creative outlet for people who feel that their creativity is being held back by the conforming shackles of "the man". I know that may sound a bit harsh, but please, allow me to explain.

Our company policy around the email signature is that you can only post your name, work location, job title, and contact info. While practical, this is often not considered "fun" and just a little "boring", so people like to spice it up by adding things like clip art pictures of their favorite character from their favorite animated movie and/or a favorite quotation of theirs.

Once again, you may be asking yourself: Why is this wrong? What's so bad with letting folks show a little bit of their own personality in the workplace? Well... I'm glad you asked.

Let's start with the clip art. I know you love the clip art you found of the princesses making funny faces that are out of character, but when this picture (which is attached to every message you send) is 1MB in size it tends to make my inbox exceed it's size limit quite rapidly. Furthermore, said picture is oftentimes not approved by the company, and sends the message to anyone who may read this email who works outside the company that you clearly don't care enough about your employer to at least send out massively sized pictures of company approved artwork. It makes you look sloppy really.

Now, onto the quote. In theory, there's nothing wrong with adding a quote from your favorite movie, as long as it doesn't contain profanity or in some way defame another person/people/gender/governing body/religion/farm animal/etc. However, these quotes are often misquoted, which once again makes you look sloppy because it once again says that you don't care enough about the things you enjoy to ensure that you get them right. So, in theory, if you don't care to quote your favorite movie correctly, then you surely don't care enough about your job to make sure you do it right.

I know you may be thinking at this point that I am 100% against the e-mail signature with zany clip art and/or quotation. This is not the case. When done well, I think it can be a beautiful thing that will bring countless hours of enjoyment to all your coworkers. What I am against is seeing the same old boring clip art time and time again, or whatever motivational quote is big from this weeks hot self help book. I'm saying be different. Go big or go home. Dance like there's nobody watching. Run with the big dogs, don't stay on the porch. And don't use any of the last 4 sentences as your motivational quote. Instead, quote some of your favorite 90's rap, hip-hop, and smooth R&B songs. They're chock full of insightful, life affirming lyrics that apply to almost any scenario. Here are just a few of my favorites:

L.A. face, with an Oakland Booty
If she wants to be a freak, and sell it on the weekend, it's none of your business
I tell em "skat, skittle, ska-babble". Got hit with a bible and put in the hospital for talking that mess
I got 99 problems... but a insert your own name here ain't one
Make em' say uuuuunnnnnnnhhhhhhhhhhhh
You've got to understand: Trick luv da kids
I'm not a player. I just crush. A LOT.
If you're feeling like a pimp, then go on brush your shoulders off
I love it when ya call me big poppa
So fresh. So clean.
Until ya see me, trust me, you ain't seen bouncin' back.
We just sittin' here. Trying to win. Trying hard not to sin

Note: However names the most songs and artist form the above list will get the first official Blake Sumner "No Prize". There's no cash, certificate, or anything else. That's why it's called the "no prize".

And if you're going to use clip art, at least get something interesting. Like Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes peeing on something (preferably something you hate). Need some examples? OK!

Now... would I ever do this? Of course not. I value my job and have other outlets within which to vent my creative juices (such as this abortion of a bloggeration you now find yourself reading.) And, I also personally feel like the ole' e-mail siggy is just wall paper to most people. Because... odds are, if you're sending me an e-mail (especially to my work e-mail address) you probably know who I am, what I do, and how to get in touch with me without the aid of the e-mail signature.

That being said, if you do send me an e-mail in the future. Please make if look something like this:

Blake Sumner

"You can find me in da club"